Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Spandex is a privilege...

Not a right.

Ok, this topic has long been taunting me to write about.  I can truthfully say wearing spandex has definitely gone out of my fashion habits.  It's just an "um, no" moment.  At my weight and my body type, I've got as much business wearing spandex as Michael Jordan has playing baseball.  It can be done, but why would you when you know it's not for you or where your talents lie?

Here we go.  All over UNLV I've come across one very stomach turning conclusion... people have no idea what they look like from the outside. I've seen countless girls walking around on campus in spandex leggings with mukluk boots.  Ok, first, we live in the desert.  WTF are they doing in mukluks?  This is not Seattle or Portland or (God forbid) Montreal.  The other type of boot I'm seeing in record number is the knee high leather boot with either a stiletto heel or flat.  Ok, the flats I can deal with, but WTF (again) are they doing walking mile upon mile across campus in stilettos?  I know it's some sort of fashion thing, but really, why kill your back, shorten the tendons in your legs or do other physical damage to yourself by wearing a shoe meant for going out?  I'm sorry but university study is not a fashion event.  You're going to school to learn, not walk around in prostitute pumps.  Alas, there they are.

What makes it far, far worse is that the girls in the spandex and prostitute pumps do not have near the bodies to be pulling it off.  Case in point, I saw a girl, heaver than I am, walking in front of me on the way to class in spandex pants with a butt that looked like cottage cheese.  Oy veh!  Really?  I would have keeled over dead before stepping out of my apartment looking like that.  I shuddered inside as I walked past her thinking to myself, "WTF were you thinking?  The number on your scale should have given you a clue."

Now I'll admit, I'm not the world's greatest fashionista.  I'm not.  I'm very much the denim and tennis shoe type.  I'm very organic yet stylish.  But these girls walking around in spandex and not remembering the great line, "Spandex is a privilege, not a right," should be taken multiple pictures of and shown what they really look like.  It's the ruler across the knuckles going, "NO!"

This brings us to my daily trip to my mailbox where I found a new Victoria's Secret catalog.  In it were the new bathing suits for summer.  I looked at some of them absolutely aghast, particularly one model who was wearing a set of bottoms that, had she not waxed, would have shown her patch.  I pity the poor airbrush artist that had to work on that photo because it was downright scary how low those bottoms went.  Hip hugger?  No, not even close, it was more like a "patch hugger."  Then it occurred to me, there are girls out there looking at that catalog right now and buying those bathing suits.  They also happen to be girls without the common sense to invoke the "privilege/right" mindset. It's frightening to think about because they are going to be committing fashion faux pas so hard that it's going to stop being funny because we'll all be looking at them going, "WTF were you thinking?"  A cottage cheese backside in a "patch hugger."  Ok, are you nauseous yet?  I am.

Oh yes, those girls are going to be lining up spending their money on a bathing suit they have no business wearing.  I'm sorry but a muffin top in a patch hugger is just a "NO" to me.  This is why all of my clothing doesn't show a single detail I do not want seen.  I can cleavage out the wazoo, ain't nothing wrong with my top, but let me tell you, I'd rather wear a moo-moo or something crafted by a tent maker than even begin to show a dimple in my backside.  Yet, there they are, walking by the hundreds...I'm not kidding, HUNDREDS across campus with not a clue that they're committing a crime against my eyes that no amount of eye-bleach can cure.  Damn it...Spandex is a privilege girls!  Get it through your heads!

You know, I just had a funny thought.  Let's get Steve Jobs on the phone and tell him he needs to develop a new product.  iBleach.  It's for all of us who have seen things we could have gone the rest of our life without.

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