I love my desk chair. It's big, it's made of brown leather and stuffed, almost to overflowing.
I won't lie. I spend a lot of time in my desk chair, slowly and happily rocking back and forth. When I have my rare moments of writers block, it allows me to calm my mind with the gentle rocking as if I'm somewhere out on a far away ocean. Sometimes, I even sit and imagine myself sitting on the sand somewhere next to the sea and I can almost smell the salt air and feel the breeze coming off the water.
Another thing I love about my chair is that it reclines. It's the perfect chair to curl up and watch a movie in. It's so huge, and since I've lost so much weight, I can cross my legs comfortably or just tuck them in under me, leaning far back and nestling in to sit for a while. Sometimes I even bring one of my throws into my office to cover me up while I watch a movie.
Often, I find myself in my big overstuffed office chair watching movies rented on iTunes. Well, tonight, the film of choice was "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I guess I like stories about starting over again. I'm looking forward to seeing "Eat Pray Love", but either way you go, it's the same type of story, of a woman going through a divorce or break up, starting over again and rebuilding their life.
I guess I like the soundtracks the best of all in films like that, they're usually very soft and go great with a bowl of sweet, ripe, black cherries or a big fat bowl of fluffy, buttery popcorn, all while sitting in this huge over-sized chair.
I guess it's my guilty pleasure at the moment, being able to just sit for a moment and feel the beginning of autumn as the cool air wafts gently through my office window while I'm watching a film.
Pretty soon, nights like this will be a distant memory. Not because I want them to, but because my new apartment will become a very interesting mix of spaces. My big fluffy chair won't enjoy it's usual amount of space next to a big desk, it'll be at the end of my kitchen table, but it doesn't mean that I still won't enjoy it.
I am going to miss my desk. I won't miss the endless amount of stuff that gets piled onto it, but I will miss having this space that's so far away from the rest of the world. I think I will miss what it is like to have just an office space, but at the same time, I'm feeling like there are changes just around the bend that aren't just about a new apartment, but about me.
For some reason (and I do know the reason, but I just don't feel the need to elaborate on it), let's just say that I'm tired of selfish people who care more about themselves than they do for others and have no idea what the word "leadership" truly means. I'm tired of my video games, I'm tired of the same bodiless voices in my ears every night spouting drivel because they really don't have lives at all.
At first, my chair came into my life because my old desk chair was horrible and it made the time I wanted to spend on the computer miserable. Now, it's the opposite.
My computer is making me miserable, and not for hardware or software issues, no nothing as mundane as that. No, I'm tired of raiding, I'm tired of men who like to pretend that they're team players but really aren't. I guess I'm just sick and tired of giving all my special gifts and talents to people who don't appreciate them and treat me and all of the really good people around me like dirt. So, since I'm moving, I decided to take the week off from my online worlds.
Sure, I could raid in WoW on Thursday night, but why? I get the keys to my new apartment on Friday night and I have so many exciting things happening, it would be ludicrous and an absolute sin to waste my last remaining nights in this beautiful place pent up in my office, even though I do love my chair. I have reading to do, I have papers to write, I have lots of other more interesting things to do than spend three hours a night feeling like I'm wasting my time. I made the gentle excuses, that I have to pack, I have school, that I'm moving, but the truth is, I don't want to raid or play in my online worlds anymore. It's become passé, like an out of style piece of clothing in my closet that needs to be donated to Goodwill.
When I walked into my office tonight to raid, I went in unwillingly. When I knew I didn't want to go, when I was having to say out loud, "Leadership is about support", "Leadership is caring more about your team than you do yourself" to convince myself to log in, I knew it was a sign, one that said all of my online worlds have served their purpose. It was the social outlet I needed for when I was shoved away like a worn out pair of running shoes, but eventually, you clean out the closet and find those well worn, familiar pair of shoes that have carried you so many miles and finally realize that they're beat up and rather raunchy, so you know it's time to finally throw them out and get a new pair.
Now, things are becoming quite different. Like the women in the films I like so much, I'm hitting the point in the story where the heartbreak is over, the self worth is beginning to return in a huge way and you get the feeling that the heroine in the film is about to catch a big break. It's the moment in the film where you cheer when you know she's going to be okay again. Except I'm no movie star. I'm the center of the universe in my own little blog that only nine people read.
Truth told, everyone loves a great story. One that makes you feel the heartbreak and you cry for the characters, but then it turns around and you cheer when everything begins to fall into place just right, the music swells and you sit beaming, smiling from ear to ear that the ending is going to be happy. I love happy endings, I'm a sucker for them, they tell me I'm going to be okay too.
I always say, "Life is like a movie. Sometimes you don't like the way the story goes, but either way, everything turns out in the end. You may not like the way the movie starts, how the conflict is resolved or the ending, but at least you can sit and enjoy the good moments when you see them."
So even though I do love my movies and my big comfy chair, there's a world out there that begs to have me become a part of it; instead of just transporting myself from world to world with a mouse, I am feeling a real need to go somewhere and enjoy new scenery.
Maybe I'll find a new leading man...that'd be nice.
Here's some music to listen to from the film, enjoy: