Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Enough of being bitter...

I am not a cup of coffee.

I am not a spinster.

I am not someone who is angry all the time.

There is no reason for me to be bitter.

Ok yes, life has dealt me some pretty crappy cards, but you know what?  So what!!!!  It's not like the world has ended or some other catastrophe has befallen me.

For all of you eyerollers out there, and yes this does include me most of the time, I got a little nudge from life that says I need to explore my spirituality.  WAIT.  Before you cry, "She's found God."  NO.  That's not it.  Let's define the word "spirituality".  The best definition I could find was:  "an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of their being; or the 'deepest values and meanings by which people live.'"

We all know, deep down, that I'm searching for the meaning of life.  For all you fellow geeks out there, it's not "42".  It's not something out of Monty Python or some other tidbit of comedy out there.  It's just something that we all search for, doesn't matter if you are religious, atheist or whathaveyou, it's just some cerebral search for why we're small specks on the blue-green ball amidst the trillions other specks in the universe.

I'm a big picture gal.  Always have been.  I've always known that the world is much larger than myself, my pet peeves and my perceptions of what is directly happening around me.  I figure, it's time to get acquainted with the even larger picture and go out another "Power of Ten". (That little link is a power of 10 exercise that goes from the universe into the inside of a carbon atom...to me, that's big picture thinking.)

Now, here, I'll regale you with another story of childhood:  I grew up in a haunted house.  No shit.  I really did.  I remember waking up in the middle of the night to hear the footfalls of someone walking down our hallway, but when I would poke my head out, no one would be there, but I could still hear them walking.  It wasn't paranoia or anything else like that, you just knew someone else was there, you could feel it, but you just couldn't see them.  The only way I saw them is that I saw ethereal shapes out of the corner of my eye.  Someone, or thing in this case, was always watching. 

Mother told me the story once of her waking up in the middle of the night to find a ghost looking down at her.  She said it wasn't malevolent, it gave the vibe as if they were there to protect us. 

There has always been something very peculiar about my maternal line.  Prophetic dreams, lots and lots of deja-vu, a connection with living things that goes far beyond "normal".  It's just what I grew up with and consider as normal.  I never once wrote it off to a deity or any sort of religion.  Trust me, when it comes to what I've seen, religion doesn't cover it, it can't because of it's strict structure.

My favorite spiritual study of all time was Celtic Druidism.  I spent about two years just delving myself into the mystical/spiritual nature of the different symbols of the different parts of nature.  It was fun, but after a while, I just didn't have the time to study anymore.  When started playing WoW, well, there was no other choice of a character for me to be, I was going to be a Druid, and I still love it to this day because it's a good refresher of why I should renew my spiritual studies.  I take being a druid in WoW very seriously...ok, look, I'm a gal who drives a Prius, then comes home, turns on her computer and turns into a tree or some kind of animal...I'm just an all-natural girl I guess.  I mean look, I don't even wear that many synthetics.  Most of my stuff is cotton or a cotton blend.  Besides being easy to wash, it's just more comfortable to me.

I don't want to just narrow my spirituality down to one thing though.  There are so many spiritual schools of thought that I want to try them all.  I think a good place to start would be to turn off my Wii and actually GO to a yoga class with other human beings.  I think that would be a good start.  It's social, I'd be doing something for my body, and most of all, I think yoga clears the mind.  (And to be honest, with all the crap floating around in there, it might be a good time to clear that out too.)

So, NEW QUEST!  I'm very flawed, but I think I'm to the point where the "good person" goal is fairly achieved, we're not all the way there yet, but I think the addition of enhanced spirituality might be a good thing.  I can't close myself off forever, besides you can't go through your life being bitter, it leaves a bad taste in people's mouths and you lose nutritional value that way.

What is that line from eat, pray, love?  "If you can clear your mind the universe will come rushing in."

Ok, let's try it.  Now I have to find a yoga studio and find out how much it costs.

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