Today at school was a wonderful thing. I went to my 102 lecture to get the study guide for my final exam, then I stopped by Prof H.'s office to ask a few more questions that I had forgotten about during class. Prof H. is a class act. He not only helped me but he gave me some crucial insight into what I needed to be thinking of as far as my final project goes.
Well, sufficed to say, I didn't get published this semester, much to my dismay, but it was my own fault. I didn't step on it quick enough to make the semester's final edition of the Rebel Yell. They'd already put it to bed, so I missed my chance. Oh well. Lots of opportunities to come I guess. But, I did get to talk to the director of the campus radio station and I now have in my hot little hands an e-mail address for the student program manager. Now all I have to do is pitch what kind of show I want to do. (I'm keeping it a secret for now, so don't ask.)
Then it was off to the journalism school's academic advising office. Up to now, I didn't know how many credits I needed to become a junior. Well, the magic number is 60 and your favorite Sophomore is now at 66. Yep, I'm a junior! Exciting, huh? Along with getting my junior status, I also got to get my waiver signed to get into, get this, Journalism 261 and 475. 261 is Introduction to Integrated Marketing Communications and 475 is Ad Copywriting! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'm SO excited for spring! I've got two to-die-for classes! The other two for spring are a social science class called "Personal Growth," and just imagine the blog posts that are going to come from THAT class...and a history class to fulfill my undergrad requirement. In total this spring, 13 credit hours. My lucky number.
So, on the way home, listening to the Nickelback song, "Far Away," to which I usually think about KP when I hear it, I actually thought about it this time in terms of self-love. (Sorry KP, no disrespect intended.) Now what is so poignant about this moment is that simply, I missed myself for a long time. We all remember the days of me not knowing which end was up, constantly worried about what other people said and thought of me. Well, as I was driving, I realized something. Who gives a damn what anyone else thinks? This is MY life. Not anyone else's. This is my life where I sleep alone, I eat most meals alone, I play my video game with my fantastic guildies for social time and to get down to the nitty-gritty, outside of a 90K a year job, I don't want for much. This goes back to the summer where I had written about how much I needed to engage my life and not just sit and watch as it passed by. I've written so many times about "picking yourself up by the bootstraps and keep on walking," but until today, I really didn't grasp WHY we do things like that.
Survival skills are second nature to me. I know how to survive, but I don't really know how to live. It was in the car this afternoon that I realized the reason I didn't know how live was because I have always stupidly concerned myself with the acceptance and approval of others, only to be met with disappointment, anger and frustration. Ok, let's go brass tacks. I have spent my life, up to now, being the square peg trying to fit myself into a round hole because all of the other pegs in the box around me were round and I was giving in to the notion of actually "fitting in," when in truth, there are tons of square pegs out there. It was when I thought of another axiom, "The cream always rises to the top," that I finally figured it out. I'm the cream that's still swimming lower down in the milk jug, I'm just now starting to rise to the top, that's why I haven't really found any friends here in town to spend time with. Another axiom, "Everything always finds its' own level" came to mind as well. But one overall thought hit me, "I'm not done yet." Truth told, not by a long shot. It was then I realized that there is nothing wrong with me, I know who I am, I just haven't found my place in the sun yet.
Jeez, you know, you'd think by 39 I'd have this figured out already. I'm a late bloomer. That's got to be it.
But there's something else I thought of too, it doesn't matter if we're 19 or 99, we're always learning, we're always growing and it's all a part of the human experience.
For those of you who are curious, the name of the blog is NOT changing. It's a branding thing. Besides, even though I'm a junior now, I'll always be a wise fool, that's why it's called The Eternal Sophomore.
And this one is for me: Nickelback's "Far Away." Finally feeling my feet digging into the dirt and gaining traction feels good, I missed me. I was far away from this point in my life for far too long.