Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Reality Sinks In...

On the way home from school today, I cried like a little girl...I got my first B today.  Now, for those who don't know me, I'm a perfectionist from the word "go".  I like being without flaw or fault.  We ALL know that life doesn't work that way and that perfection is unattainable, but it is a worthy goal, albeit one that drives people to drink on a regular basis. 

Since I started back to school, I've had nothing but a succession of A's.  No A+'s , but lots of regular A's and A-'s.  Not one B, until today.  Now when you're riding a crest like that and the bottom falls out, you tend to crash pretty hard even though the bottom falling out is the equivalent of a stair-step.  It was a B+.  I needed to put in more details in my paper and cut out more of the extraneous stuff that I like to go on about.

Ugh.  I have to tell you, even though it's a B+, it's still pretty hard to take.  Most people go, "Hey, that's still really great."  To me, I can hear my childhood coming back to haunt me like the nightmare it was.  I can hear my parents in my head saying, "Why isn't this B an A?"  I remember getting ridden so hard because my report cards didn't hold straight A's all the time.  When I got my paper back with a B+ on it, you could have knocked me over with a feather.  I sat there in shock, reading through Doc T's notes as to why I had screwed up so royally.

Now, you may be going, "Sheri, it's not an F for chrissakes!"  Well to me, it might as well be.  A B+ says that I missed the mark, that I'm not doing what I ought to be doing.  That I'm missing things, and knowing me and my lack of common sense, what I'm missing is probably right in front of me.

I read through Doc T's comments, and he was absolutely right in giving me a B+, I didn't detail clearly enough why I was railing against the argument.  I didn't give it enough oomph of telling why a narrow view is simply untrue.  I didn't give enough details.  Doc T was right.  I needed that B+ to wake me up and shake me to say "Hey!  More!  You're not active enough yet!  Keep pushing!"

This B+ is a reality check.  I'm thoroughly disappointed in myself.  Whereas other students would look at a B+ and thank their lucky stars, to me, it's an eyesore and a disappointment.

But, what do we do when we fall down?  We pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and keep walking.  I'm just really crushed right now and it's because, as I've been told by a few people, "I'm waaaay to hard on myself."

But, gotta jet.  I've got my mid-term in NV School Law on Monday, 100 questions to answer.  I hope to gods some of Doc McC's lectures sunk in.  Also, another essay to write for Doc T.  This time, one on my favorite song.  My favorite song?  Gods, with a list of tunes that I like a mile long, that is going to be tricky.  I don't ever classify a song as "my favorite", that does a disservice to all the rest of the music I like.  I never play favorites amongst anything, whether it be students, teachers, movies, music, people in general or anything!  Labeling something as a 'favorite' just doesn't sit right with me, I think it denies me the opportunity to view other things, take in other viewpoints and denies me the nutritional value of everything else in the world!

Call me crazy, but I don't have a favorite anything!  I like everything equally!  Except onions, peppers, etc, because I don't like the taste of those things on their own, but I enjoy their contributions to different dishes that they're included in. 

So I have to label something as a 'favorite'.  Oh joy.  But I did pick the song I intend to write about...a remake of the Jimi Hendrix song "Bold as Love" as done by Chrissie Hynde and The Pretenders.   Youtube didn't have The Pretenders version of the song...but enjoy John Mayer's version.

But that is so me, I'm Bold As Love.  Never fearing the rainbow of the 26 million colors of life, valuing each of them as unique and special.

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