Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Keep moving forward

Doc T went to New York this week, so all I had today was Nevada School Law.  I have to write 2-3 pages on a section out of my textbook called "You be the judge".  I'm not overly excited about it really.

To be honest, I've not been excited about much lately.

I don't know whether I'm my own guest of honor at my own personal pity party or not.  I'm not trying to be.  Lately, I've just been consumed by how lonely I am.  Being lonely shouldn't be anything new to me.  I grew up alone, I was bullied, the butt of the joke and spent the majority of my childhood alone.  I remember how much I hated it.  In my estimation, nothing feels worse than being lonely.  Loneliness is horrid isolation that leaves you without an ounce of hope.

But, the brave part of you says, "Keep moving forward".

That's easier said than done though.  I looked around my apartment today.  I really don't miss the mess my Ex used to leave.  But, I miss how he made me laugh.  I really enjoy people who make me laugh, it distracts me from all of the other miscellaneous rah-rah that flies around in my head constantly.  So, I guess it's not my Ex that I miss, I just miss another human being around me.  Someone who gives hugs, someone that reminds you that you're not alone in the universe.  I'm not afraid of being alone, far from it, I rather like living alone, but I dislike being completely alone.  The ex was anti-social, and with me being as social as I am, his influence has once again robbed me of something I would have had, had it not been for him.  If I'd have lived on my terms for the last seven years, at least I'd have friends to show for it, but thanks to the ex, I have just my online friends that are scattered throughout the country, save for one person here in town I barely speak to, I have no one I can actually reach out and touch.  I have made some acquaintances through school, but no one I would go out to the movies with, they're just people in passing.

But, the brave part of me says, "Keep moving forward".

My question is, 'forward to where?'  Where am I really going?  A classroom filled with kids who will never understand how many special gifts I have?  Job after job where I never really feel like I'm making a difference?  That every night I'll go home to an empty house?  That all I really have is a computer and a blog to talk to, that doesn't hug back, that doesn't give love, that sits there as a repository for every inane thought I have?

Problem is that lately, I've just been numb.  A lot of the time, I think about what my Ex did and the string of events that was going on behind my back that I was too trusting to see.  That maybe I was too mean and too demanding of him.  But then I sit back and realize that he would have just done it anyways, that it is his nature.  After all, a tiger can't change its' stripes, no matter if he changes his environment or what have you, it's still the same tiger.  So, I'm desperately trying to stop blaming myself for what happened and why he left.  My marriage was doomed from the start, and there's really no point in trying to shove the manure back into the horse.  When I look at who my Ex is/was as a person, I find him completely repugnant, arrogant, prideful and a whole host of detestable qualities.  I tried to find the bright side of him, but, I just couldn't find one.  I racked my brain trying desperately to find what I saw in him to begin with, and well, I don't remember at all why I liked him in the first place.  Maybe that's a sign.  Maybe I'm so bitter about the last seven years that I've forgotten. Maybe it's just the simple fact that it just wasn't meant to be.

I often find myself lying in bed reading the latest romance/action novel by Sherrilyn Kenyon.  She's very witty, her characters are fun, but she just writes the same story over and over again.  The stories always have the hero, that has a past filled with horrifying abuse, paired with someone who finds their redeeming qualities and loves them for it.  I guess I identify with her stories because they mirror my life.  They're a way of coping with the abuse, neglect and loneliness I've faced all my life.  That maybe there is hope that there is someone out there in the vast reaches of the universe that will love me, despite all my faults that can cope with all of the abuse I've taken my entire life.  At this point, I dare not hope, because if I did, that would leave me even more vulnerable than I am now.  It's not fun being gutted and left for dead, nor is it fun to be the butt of the joke, the scapegoat or the reason to do unthinkable things to another human being.  The neglect my ex gave me is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Sometimes, after putting the romance novels down, I think about the qualities of an individual I'd like to be around.  To be honest, I'd like a long-haired, rich bum.  Now, of course that sounds bad at first glance...because what do you see first, the word 'rich'.  Money doesn't buy happiness, trust me, I know it all too well, but money puts food in your stomach and the roof over your head, but not much more than that.  Money doesn't hug you when you think your heart is breaking, nor does it tell a joke to make you laugh when you've had a hard day either.  Let's face it, you can't live on love alone.  But 'rich' can also mean of spirit, heart and mind. So, when I add 'bum' to the back of the rich part, it's the wealthy fellow who has run out of 'give-a-shit' and doesn't show he has money; who loves, hurts, hopes and dreams just like everyone else without a shred of pretension.

Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, or as Kathleen Turner's character in "Romancing the Stone" put it, a hopeful romantic.  There's a difference between the two.  I often think of meeting one of Kenyon's heroes, the dark, brooding, emotionally drained kind of guy...but then I remember my ex, who was dark, brooding and emotionally retarded.  Definitely don't want to go that route again.  I really want someone who makes me laugh.  That would be a good start.

But then, when I remove myself from the world of the romance novel, I realize, I wouldn't mind too terribly meeting a guy with kids.  I know one, and he's beautiful and funny, but he's sometimes emotionally retarded too.  But, I know he's angry about what happened to me, just like I despise his ex-wife, who did to him exactly what my ex did to me.  But, he's not one of those guys who will outwardly say what he feels either.  I often think about my friend and his kids and how I'd love to be in the constant turmoil that is raising a 10, 13 and 18 year old.   Just so I could see first-hand what I chose not to have.  If he'd roll out the red carpet tomorrow and invite me to be a permanent part of it, I'm not sure of what I would do.  I'll never have kids of my own, so I'd like some modicum of experience in it, even if it is just a weekend of it.   I often wonder if he understands why I'm bitter or harsh, that I surround myself with concertina wire because I'm mortally afraid of being hurt or rejected again.  I often wonder if he knows that I'm in so much pain I can barely breathe sometimes and by just him making me laugh, or going out on a limb and telling me how he felt, I'd feel a little better and a little more human.

I love the line from Disney's "Aladdin"...
"Phenomenal Cosmic Power....Itty Bitty Living Space".

Go out on a limb with me...Imagine for just a moment, that you've got creativity that just won't stop, a propensity to love with all your heart, 24 hours a day, so huge that someone came up with the phrase "Love is the only truth and worth sharing every day" to describe you, that you're so aware of everything and everyone around you, a protective streak that will protect and defend your family with passion and ferocity, massive intelligence, quick wit, a sense of humor, a laugh that borders on infectious, the ability to convey thoughts and emotions with vivid clarity and thinking that goes so far out of the box that if you were famous, they'd have to redesign what a box would look like to fit what you can do. But, here's the kicker, along with all of these amazing gifts, you've been damaged so bad that you can barely cope.  Add on top of it that no one will take a chance on you.  Imagine what that would be like.

Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

Welcome to my life.

I really don't feel sorry for myself.  When I sit back and think about it, I realize how incredibly strong I am.  So much so that it intimidates most people.  I sit back and think of the mental and physical abuse I've taken from practically the first day of my life, only having brief respites until it starts all over again.  The mean, ignorant children that I grew up with who saw that the pretty, book-smart girl was also gullible, so they took full advantage of it.  The boyfriends who hit me, recovering from drug addiction (I'm in my 9th year of sobriety, yay for me). To a husband who mentally abused me and neglected me, that turned around and betrayed me after he taught me how to trust...my list is long of the things I've survived.  I've walked away from all of them, banged up, heavens yes, but still I walked away from them alive.

And the brave part of me says, "Keep moving forward".

I don't have much to do this week.  Just write my paper for my school law class, work on my outline some more for my Comp II paper and then look at the walls of my apartment.

I just wish there was someone here to talk to.  I really would love a hug and some reassurance, but that's what I've got to do for myself.  It's like what Jennifer Hudson said in 'Sex in the City'..."See this? [holds out a metal keychain that is shaped into the word 'Love']  That's love, and I'm bringing it to me all day long."  The problem with that is that I really don't know how and don't know where to begin.

Maybe there's a guy out there for me.  Maybe there's not.  But, sitting here, I have to believe that if I've survived everything I have in my life, the curve ball that will start the next grand adventure is right around the corner.  What will define me is how I handle it.  Maybe a beautiful man is the one who will throw it, a Kenyonesque hero that will love me despite my faults.

I've gone out quite a bit in the last couple of months, but I haven't quite found a worthy adventure.  So, for right now, it's me and the four walls.  I look at them, they look at me, I read, I write, I talk to my friends online, I try to stay busy, but at the end of it all, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I'm alone.  

But the brave part of me says, "Don't cry, keep your chin up and keep moving forward".

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