Ok, I've gotten through Dante's "Inferno" in World Lit. Note to self: Don't read Dante before going to bed. The visual of the guys with the heads twisted to face backwards is still giving me grief as I'm trying to go to sleep.
But the one part of The Inferno that struck me most was the fifth circle of hell. The Wrathful and Sullen. Ok, that's me. I'll admit to it 100 times over. I've become the most wrathful and sullen so-and-so lately. I've not left the house except to go to school and I'm ticked off most of the time. I'm just not happy. But, reading about the fifth circle of hell cheered me up a bit. Ok, I know that's strange to say, but it has.
Dante composed the Fifth Circle of Hell as the Wrathful and Sullen covered in mud and biting into each other with sharp teeth. I know it's gruesome, ok? But I guess it had to be for it to really sink in what it meant. I mean those guys were down in the mud eating each other and I realized with no matter how anyone has been wronged, and even with the gargantuan Medea complex I have, it's still not cool to get that wrapped up. Letting things go is like jumping out of the mud and being hosed off, otherwise you just sit there eating yourself and everyone around you, which is a hell I can totally get myself out of. I can analyze things to death and dwell on all of the things I find that are unjust, but at the end of the day, if I sit pissed off in the mire, that's my own damn fault. Besides it's not my fault what wrongs people do to me, they've damned themselves and they have to live with that, I don't. Why walk through the mire when I can just build a bridge, get over it and laugh at the people who try to pull me down in an attempt to serve their own selfish ends.
So I know it's weird to say, but Dante cheered me up. Odd. Still not 100% happy though. I've been really lonely lately. I think my problem is that I don't know what to do to be NOT lonely. Desperation is the world's worst cologne, when you're desperate to have company, it usually shows. I don't want my need for human contact to show because I'm afraid I'll look desperate. *shrug* But given time and the right set of events, I'm sure that situation will resolve itself.
My pal KP noted to me last night how pissy I've been lately when they've been visiting with me on Ventrillo while we've been playing World of Warcraft. Besides the fact that I'm going stir crazy from isolation, another reason I've been so unbearable is because I'm sick and tired of the ever-constant failfest we've been going through for the last couple of months in our 10 and 25 man raids. This week's raids were good. Got in Tuesday and Thursday and we go again tonight. Thursday was really good because it was a nice, solid progression push. Two bosses down in one night (Rotface and Festergut - and no they're not my friends from the fifth circle of hell lol) then on to Professor Putricide for a couple of pulls was really good. It gave me hope and made me less ticked off. BUT, here's the kicker...that's the first week we've really seen some solid progression in a while. Previous to this week, our raid leader has had to fill the raid with people who don't know how to play just so we can get 25 bodies into the instance. The people who can't play worth a darn have been carried by the rest of the team who DO know how to play but the unskilled players have been winning rolls for gear so when you look them up on wowarmory.com, what you find is that they have this huge gear score but it has absolutely nothing to do with what kind of skill they have as a player. So we've been in a situation where we've got people in great gear, but no freaking clue what to do with it. Hence, I'm frustrated because we can't get anywhere. You know, with all the Epic Fail my life has been in the last year outside of school, I'd like to feel like I'm accomplishing something.
The amount of high level gear someone has does not equal an outstanding player. If you give an average joe who has no skill or talent for playing guitar and give them a $10,000 Les Paul, it's going to sound like crap. But if you give Eddie Van Halen a cheap $2 guitar from Goodwill, he'll make it sound like a $10,000 Les Paul. That's what's happening right now. I've seen people in gear I would love to have, but when it comes down to the damage charts, my crap gear is giving better results than someone geared ten times better than I am. So, to me, that's a very "Eddie" situation. It's not the gear that defines the player, but the player that defines the gear. I guess I'm frustrated because I try so hard to do so much with so little, to see someone with more than what I have not doing anything with it, it annoys me to death. But, I try to remember the Fifth Circle of Hell and remember that I shouldn't let it eat me up or wear me down.
To tell the truth, I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I am so out of focus and unmotivated, I just don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I've gone stir-crazy. I should go out to my parents so I can be around people, but I don't really want to be hassled about being a smoker or be given the list of the 50 million things they think is wrong with me and the fact that I need a job so bad it hurts! OMG, nothing in the world would make me happier than to have a job, but I just can't find anything. It's so depressing. Ok, I think most of my problem is that I've got a sister with cancer, an aunt who was just admitted to the hospital for her lungs because she's been a smoker for gosh knows how many years, my mom is freaking out about it and telling me she's going to kill me if I don't stop smoking. If y'all think for an instant I'm not freaked out about the whole thing, you're dead wrong. Every time I light up, I'm trapped in this nasty catch-22. I'm a stress smoker. That means when I get stressed out or freaked out, I smoke. So, to light up freaks me out and makes me want to put it out, but then because I'm so freaked, I need to light one up. It's so fucked up, I can't even begin to describe it. I KNOW I need to stop smoking. DUH! Wanted to quit for years! But, with all the stressful crap I have to deal with, it just reinforces it. I'm so trapped.
So, here I sit in the Fifth Circle of Hell. And I want OUT! lol.
But let's end with some good news. First, I'm on the air again on The Cavern Today Podcast! Yay! Yep, I'm doling out my signature brand of common sense on my regular op-ed segment That's Just Me Of Course and I'm a panelist once again on TCT Talk, our roundtable discussion segment. If you want to take a listen, www.thecaverntoday.com. You can listen to it right on the page. Then my other piece of good news is that I got a 98 on my Journalism mid-term. So there is some good stuff going on, it's just that I'm so sick of the four walls of my apartment, I'm ready to scream. I need company! I need to go on a date!
Anyone know a handsome, single, stable, caring 38 year-old man who plays WoW and speaks D'ni?
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