I've not written in a while. After the Strep Throat/Flu combo I had, I just didn't have the energy to put what I was going through into a form for human consumption. I don't know, lately, I've just become apathetic. Have you ever had one of those moments where everything seems so blah that things aren't even worth doing or observing? That's where I'm at.
School this semester is just one long grind and I'm to the point where I just feel like I'm going through the motions. It's not that the professors are bad or the content isn't learnable, it's just blah. It's really nothing to get overly excited about.
Last night, I went to bed at 10:30. Me? In bed by 10:30? Come on, that's not even close to right, it was my "Friday" but, even with an invite to go out to ladies night with Haley, I was just worn out.
I got stood up on Wednesday night. I was supposed to have a Skype date with KP but he never showed. What makes it so horrible is that I did my hair, fixed my face and got all dolled up for it only to sit and wait for two hours for someone who never showed. It was decimating. I should have known better, but still, I guess when you get your hopes up and they get dashed, it's only natural that you'd feel disappointed and hurt.
After I shut down my computer, I laid down on my couch and looked up at my mantle where my "Love" poster sits. I looked at it and started to cry. It was then that I realized that maybe I'm not supposed to have love this time around on the planet. I thought about it in a very rational sense, considering that my entire life has been marked by a series of failures in the love department.
Thursday on our "walk to the cars" after class, I described the whole thing to Haley. I told her about the wreckage that is the sum total of my love life. I pondered the situation even going so far as to think that maybe the one guy for me died in some car crash or that maybe I'm the leftover of my generation, as in the fates paired everyone up and I was the leftover. It's possible. It was then that Haley told me about her grandmother who has lived the last 50 years on her own and is happy as a clam. Haley described it as her grandmother "doesn't have anything to worry about, she doesn't have to deal with anyone else and she's happy with that." It gave me hope. Maybe if I become independently wealthy and not worry about my heart, loving myself enough that I won't want anyone else to do that, everything will work out.
But all that really didn't put to rest the fact that Wednesday night, curled up and crying on my couch was the first time I'd felt alone since the ex left. I'm always staying busy, but in that moment, curled up looking at that poster on my mantle, I really realized that I'm alone. I have my friends, which are great, and who I love dearly, but I guess there's something very vacuous about knowing that there isn't some guy out there who thinks I'm the most precious thing in the world; who thinks I'm beautiful or worth spending time with. It sucks when I'm a world class romantic with no one to share it with. I'm not really having problems with my self-worth, I know I'm worth a lot, it's just right now that I'm seeing what it's like with no one here.
Haley really did try to give me a silver lining for the whole situation, saying that I had it good, I could walk around my house naked (which I don't do), and do everything and anything I wanted, such as declaring my own bed time, playing music as loud as I want, and a list of things I do already. She was being the message Chance used to be for me, which was to enjoy what I have. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy what I have and I'm very grateful for it. I'm grateful for all my friends and for Nan and Carl. They're all great. But, it's the one missing piece of the puzzle that's got me down today.
I have been going to bed alone for the last 20 months and I'm fine with it. I don't get freaked out or anything because I'm alone. I have no issue with being alone in general, and I prefer it that way, but I really don't dig on the sensation of being unloved. That's my thing right there, being unloved. It pisses me off because I know I'm worth being loved. Yeah, I'm hell on feet sometimes, but gods, everyone deserves to be loved, don't they?
Meh, to hell with it. I've survived this long, doesn't mean I can't go longer. If I die alone then that's how it was meant to be and there is nothing I can do to change it. You can't force things that aren't there or aren't supposed to be there in the first place. Reality Check: I'm alone. It's cool. It means I don't have to accommodate someone else or tread delicately for fear I may hurt their feelings. I guess a lot of people would love to have that kind of freedom, wouldn't they?
But, let's cheer it up a bit. I went through Time Magazine's Top 25 movie soundtracks...it was a lot of fun to see what tunes made their way into the consciousness of the world. What I found surprising is that most of the films were rather nostalgic. The entire list was a lamentation of things we loved and lost, from The Big Chill to the counter-culture view of Easy Rider and went to my favorite movie from the 90's Singles. They even had a few 80's classics in there, like Sixteen Candles. It reminded me of my fascination with Roxy Music back in the day. I always did love the new wave edge of things because they didn't prescribe to the norm. I've always hated the establishment and trends and while I watch the girls walking the miles of the UNLV campus in stiletto boots, I look down at my ratty pair of Brooks running shoes or Doc Martens and smile.
However, as much as I like to laugh at the very image conscious, I've taken a step in that direction, stopping in at the local beauty supply store and picking up a set of hot rollers and a new curling iron. I have to say, I do look vaguely rockin' with bilious curls which fall after an hour. LOL. Meh, I look good for me. If no one else sees it, it's their loss. But pair those curls up with a pair of Cherry Red Doc Martens, some black liquid liner and some hippy chic from Lucky and you've got a unique original. That's me, a blend of hippy, goth and grunge. How fun.
Ok, song of the day, let's go back to the 90's, my favorite song from the Singles Soundtrack, Pearl Jam's "State of Love and Trust."