Yesterday, I went where I knew no one would find me.
I spent time in Uru to escape everything, and to assure I wouldn't be disturbed, I went to one of the hardest and most difficult places to get to in Uru, the island of K'veer. You see, you cannot reach K'veer without help from others and the excruciating journey to get there through an age called Ahnonay.
When my heart is troubled the most, I always go to K'veer and last night I sat in front of the large window in K'veer, looking out at the abandoned city. All of the players in Uru expected so much from that world because it was one that transcended materialistic tendency and never even began to ask the question "What's in it for me?"
I sat looking out that window remembering all the time I spent solving puzzles and helping people. Walking quiet forests where the quasi-cave paintings told a story of living without pride and humbly serving a greater good, aspiring to achieve noble goals. How I miss that type of world.
To look out the windows of K'veer and realize that there is no such perfect place in the real world made me sad, and however much I take what I learned out of that cavern and shared it with others, I'd still be left with the overwhelming fact that well, the real world is a selfish, disappointing place with almost little to no nutritional value except when we take the time to search and find it.
I tried to replace the Uru cavern with other worlds, but in truth, they all proved disappointing, none worse than WoW. Instead of the selflessness I was accustomed to, I found selfishness instead. I was determined to not allow it to be that way, I stood and braced myself, reaching deep inside to the "deep city" (by the way, "Uru" is the Sumatran word that means deep city) inside myself to weather whatever selfish or prideful things I would encounter. But, sitting looking out of the windows of K'veer last night, I realized that there is nothing in the world I can do but hold those things as inner strength for myself because most people will never get or understand what that means, much less apply it to every day life.
There have been may days I've sat sorely disappointed in people. More often, I sit disappointed in myself. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I expect people to have that same sort of moral inner fortitude that I do. I don't know whether it's my addictions or my mentality that make me that way, but something inside me always aspires to do more, to be greater than what I am. I see myself in the mirror as mediocre, so I always long to be something more, something better, to make some sort of difference in the world. Part of me thinks it's a noble pursuit, other parts of me thinks it's an exercise in futility.
Most of my life I've gone through it thinking I was unloved. Trust me, it's not a personal pity party I'm having, that's just how it has always seemed. So, I compensate for it by giving all the love in my heart to whatever it is that I find worthy or worthwhile. To me, if someone needs to feel believed in and I find that they truly need it, I tell them I believe in them, only for the sole reason that everyone needs to feel that. I truly believe that everyone needs to felt valued and special for all of their unique qualities. I know that people aren't perfect because I look in the mirror every day and see my own imperfections, so it does go to reason that everyone does have imperfections, some people have faults far greater than others, but it doesn't mean they are any less special in their own way.
I've been accused of putting people on pedestals. That's so far from the truth it's not even funny. No, when I believe in someone it's because I see, or more likely hope, that there is something deep inside of them that needs that special type of attention that only feeling believed in can bring forward. Trust me, it's no pedestal, it's the bar and mark of the standards that I hold them to because I know in my heart there is more to them than what they think is there. Be it a strength that they don't show but I know they have, or just the simple action of letting them know they're not alone when they face a storm. It's the knowledge that someone has your back and believes in you. It's no pedestal, it's my way of doing for them what no one did for me which is push them to be more and to open their heart to possibly show the selflessness that is so rare in a world filled with selfish people.
But, maybe that's wherein my problem lies. That I need someone to have my back, but in the immortal words of Bob Forrest, "I don't get that." Fate, as it seems, has left me to fend for myself and forced me to realize the only person who has my back is me. It's a lonely existence to say the least, but at times, it seems more than appropriate since I've been enabled all my life by the people around me that haven't had the courage or the inkling to realize that I had to do things to learn the lessons that create better survival skills. Maybe this is fate's way of telling me that I don't need other people to love me, because if I just dig down and love myself that should be enough to carry me through even the roughest of storms.
But now, I'm faced with a quandary. One that had me sleeping on my couch last night. Here is my problem, and it's not the first time it's happened. You see, for me, when I get involved in things, it's like a parade has come to town, the clown I am makes people laugh, pains are seen and soothed, there's dramatic high wire act under the circus big top, there's fun, but then, right in the middle of the fun, someone comes and tears down the entire thing. Usually it's stress brought about by someone outside of my influence who is either jealous or selfish or some other horrid trait who breaks my heart, damages some 'noble' cause I'm pursuing and brings the entire thing to a halt. Maybe it's because I try so hard to take care of everyone around me that I finally burn out.
When everything comes crashing down and I burn out, I usually view it as a time to humbly take a bow and then leave town, taking my travelling show elsewhere. But last night, laying on the couch, I thought about how this is not the first time this has happened to me. I thought about all of the people who depended on me and who's hearts were broken when my travelling show left for the next town. I can only imagine how abandoned they felt. That's what leaves me stuck.
I sat looking at the ceiling last night, thinking abut all of the special people I've known in my life who I've believed in and who have believed in me. My friends Kathy and Susan immediately spring to mind when I think of the people who have been impacted when my travelling show has left town. I can only imagine how abandoned they felt and that they don't know how I think about them every day.
Which brings me back to yesterday's post. Even though people may cry innocent that they didn't do things, it doesn't excuse the fact that they did do the things that caused a mess, and no amount of lying or excuses can ever cover that up. The "Ant and the Boulder" parable is just that, those who think themselves innocent of the destructive things they've done, however unintentional. However, in their decries and disbelief, they cause the one thing that they perhaps subconsciously wanted, for my travelling show to pick up and leave town.
But that takes us back to the poor innocent people squashed by the boulder in the middle of the road. In my, "Love is the only truth and worth sharing every day" world, I'm so very tempted to help the people crushed when the boulder landed on top of them, but it leaves me at the quandary of do I help those crushed, or do I keep walking and ignore the whole thing because it hurts me to see people crushed and hurting? Do I do what is in my addict nature and just push the whole thing away? Take my travelling show to another town and start over again?
All I know is that people keep disappointing me. Not because I place them so high, but because I expect them to be of greater stature and intestinal fortitude, to be made of the 'sterner stuff' that I seem to have in excess. Maybe I just keep placing my faith in the wrong people, that who I think are worthy of my belief are, as Tammy says, just not worth it. I keep hoping in vain that more people will rise to the occasion to help others more than being mired down in their own self interest.
The world is so big, there are so many people in it. Some people have more than others, some people have less, but what is so wrong with wanting to reach a hand out to someone who needs it? Why are so many people in such a rush to take and not to give?
I guess I just expect too much from people. I expect them to love and care about others as much as I do. To solve problems, not ignore them, to step up and do the really hard work of thinking more about how they impact people versus "what's in it for them." That's no pedestal, that's just called being held accountable.
Gods, how I'd love to pack up my travelling show and take it elsewhere, but the truth is, this time I'm just folding up the big top for good. The part that breaks my heart is that I love being a part of a team, to contribute to something larger than myself but maybe no one can do that forever.
My heart breaks for all of my sweet guildies. How abandoned they're going to feel, how they'll never know how much I believed in all of them. That it was never about their toons, it was about who they were as people and how they enriched my life so much just by being sweet when I asked them, how they stopped cussing when I asked them, and how they shared so much with me every day and helped give me hope when I thought there was none. They've been the ears when I've needed to talk, I've been the ears when they needed to talk and was the shoulder when they needed a shoulder to lean on. I'm just sad that they'll never know that when I needed love, they were the ones who shared it every day with me. All I know is that I feel helpless about it and have not one inkling of an idea of what to do about it. One part of me says to gut it out, open up a can of "kiss my ass" and go take care of them, the other part of me has lost all hope that I can because the damage done seems so irreparable. I feel so lost. But the good news is that I'm doing it without self-medicating.
But enough of this dismal stuff. It's the holidays. I'm off this morning to go help my mother with preparations for Christmas Dinner. Maybe I'll just take all that good positive energy inside and place it towards making delicious food, creating beautifully set tables, breathing in and out, and reside myself to the fact that the only difference I can ever make is the one in my own life. After all, that's what needs work too isn't it?
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thrown under the bus.
The last several weeks have been an exercise in extreme patience and making adjustments.
First, and most importantly I'm dealing with my own personal issues. The first in my fear that I've done the proverbial "falling off the wagon" because it seems that now, more than ever, I'm relying on my bottle of Valium to get me through the tough times. I've had my chronic nightmares return, but instead of being chased by the undead like when I was a kid, now I'm having the same nightmare every night of being prepared for death and being cut into small pieces. It's a gruesome nightmare, I'm laying on a surgical table in a hospital gown and they bring down a what seems like a sort of chain link set of lasers over my body that cuts it into a fine mesh. Right before I fall apart, they place a bag over my body so that I don't fall to pieces all over the place. Right before I die in the dream, I hear them tell me I won't feel anything and I see a hypodermic needle filled with a yellow solution injected into what's left of my arm, the bag is closed up over my head and I die, then I wake up. Somehow I think it's related to my addictions and how I'm gimping by on valium to hold myself together. Something isn't right there, but for the last month, that's the only dream I've had. I wake up terrified usually with anxiety through the roof.
After that gruesome nightmare night after night, I decided to tackle what was hitting my triggers to make me use. Stress is my number one, bar none trigger. If I feel things are out of my control or if I feel betrayed or any other negative emotion, I jump into my pill bottle. It's not good and I know it. But watching Dr. Drew on Celebrity Rehab made me think about a few things...here, have a look, but my point is at 3 minutes 52 seconds into the clip:
Put succinctly, when I have people hurt me or hurt people around me, I shut down. I've always lived with the fact that if people love me, they're going to hurt me. That's it, end of story for me, so when I get bombarded with nothing but negatives from people who "supposedly" were supporting me, I want away from them as soon as possible. Which leads us to the second point:
Second, the game I pay a goodly sum to play and relax every month has become a nightmare. I'm serious, an out and out nightmare. Everywhere I turn, it can't get much worse. My druid class along with every other class has been re-written, ruined or worse. Everywhere I've turned for advice has always had negativity laced with it and even though I'm trying hard, what I'm doing just doesn't seem like it's enough but I figured that I'd battle through and come out the other side just fine.
But, you knew the other shoe had to drop. The one guy who I THOUGHT had my back threw me under the proverbial bus and didn't even bother to say he was sorry while another guy decided to put the bus in reverse and drive it over me again. I've been asking for WEEKS of my GM and Raid Leader when raid season would start every single time a guild member would ask me and I never once got an answer. The closest thing to an answer I ever got was "The second week of January." With no firm date stated whatsoever, I told my sweet guildies, who look to me for guidance and support, that I didn't know what was happening quite yet. It's the truth, even with what they were batting around in our officer forums, there was no clear answer in sight.
So, yesterday afternoon, at seeing that my guild master had only posted a strategy and NO clear date as to when it would be happening, not a "tomorrow night" not jack noodle, I put together a meeting for the people I look after the closest in the raid, my healers.
What do you think happened? The son of a bitch threw me under the bus, changed his post in our officer forums, then politely allowed the raid leader to make me feel like shit as he's putting together raid invites and pressuring ME and telling me "you knew about this" when clearly I didn't, interrupting the healing meeting I had set up and was in the process of, pressuring me to end my meeting early so they could go raid. I didn't even get through half of what needed to be talked about on my team and I was being harassed, none too kindly to finish so they could go raid, taking me along for the sole reason that I'm an officer AND I'm one of about 4 healers who are prepared to go.
They didn't slap a date on their plan to raid, all of a sudden from struggling through heroic dungeons, we're supposed to go raid? I thought it was rude, horrid and completely spineless for them to change the rules of the game until AFTER I had turned my back. They KNEW what I had planned, instead, they stabbed me in the back and left me to bleed. Changing the original post from just a raid strat to look at, to a raid composition to be taken in that night is not only foul but downright underhanded.
What's worse? Oh yes, it's going to get worse folks, because I don't see it getting any better, our wonderful raid leader, the guy I termed as "the tenderheart in a tough guy suit" proceeded to tell the entire guild that how he makes raids is that he's taking people he enjoys playing with, which means his brothers. Sure, he went out on the limb and said there were a lot of people that deserved to go but weren't, and even went so far as to tell everyone that he was tired of taking people who couldn't carry their weight. Now that last part struck me as something ironic because it's a brand new expansion, people are re-learning classes that have been skewed, in some cases to extremes almost unrecognizable from what we experienced last expansion, and he has the nerve to tell everyone that, sorry, you're not going, he's only taking people he knows can deliver and likes to play with. Ok, I can go the fact that wiping isn't any fun and that we'd all like to go with a group that can succeed and we did agree that we weren't carrying people anymore, but the audacity on how he decided on the people who WOULD progress really got my goat. People he LIKES to play with. Not who could do the job best, but who he LIKED. Now, when you're in a leadership position, you don't have much goddamn choice who you like to play with, especially when it's progression on the line for an entire guild made up of over 260 individual characters belonging to around 70-80 people. He actually is handpicking 10 out of 80 only because he likes to play with them. Not because they're good at their jobs, but because he plays to relax and he's not going to give the time of day to people he doesn't think can win a fight. Last time I checked, we all had to learn at some point and with the new Cataclysm changes, I don't see how anyone can go in and think they're invincible. The worst part of it all, and the part that disgusted me most is that my guild master didn't say a word, he just let that raid leader mow down the entire guild's morale and seemed as if he didn't give shit one and was behind it all the way.
I played my part in all of this, I agreed with them that we shouldn't have to carry people, but I didn't think it meant at the expense of the other folks who knew what they were doing and COULD do their jobs right. I thought we were going to construct a team of 25 solid players, not screw everyone else over because we didn't "like" them! I'm just aghast. I empowered that self-centered son of a bitch in the hopes I could make a stronger team made up of more than just HIS family. I naively thought that he had everyone's best interest at heart like I did, only to find out, and KP told me, he did, he warned me, but I didn't listen, and sure enough, all of the people I like playing with got left out in the cold, and so would I had the previous healing druid not taken ill and burnt out. Now I wish he hadn't and hope he gets well soon enough to take my place because I don't want it.
And to think, I actually wanted to go with them at one point not too long ago. I feel ashamed of myself. I was being prideful all in the name of progressing and winning fights, trying to hone my toon into something I could be proud of, only to find that guess what, my happiness is being achieved at the expense of 70 other people who aren't being supported and who apparently aren't given a damn about at the highest levels.
When the announcement went down in Vent after MY healing meeting was carefully planned then rudely rushed and interrupted, that they KNEW was planned for a specific date and a specific time, disregarding me and my team completely, they threw their raid together at the last minute.
After everyone was told basically "tough shit," my screen literally lit up so brightly in pink I went close to blind. I was the one being sworn at, yelled at, cussed out, hollered at and it was so bad that I began to cry horribly. What's worse is that the people yelling to me didn't even bother to point their aggression at those who deserved it. I'm not the one who told them that they weren't desired as a part of a team, I am not the one who told them that they'd have to start their own raid with no support. Yet I'm the one being cried to because no one has the guts to tell those two fellows that they're out of line and that everyone is hurt.
No, I'm the one who took the full brunt of it. Hell, my raid leader thinks it's ok to get away with arrogance with no repercussion when I'm the one who suffers the greatest from every destructive thing he does. When people feel left out or ignored, which is more often than I can count and has happened countless times over the last two years, they come cry to me, when the truth is that those two men that I did hold in respect couldn't have given a damn in the first place whether the rest of the people who look to them for leadership suffer. And I'm the one that's supposed to deflect and delegate when I'm the only one everyone trusts. Now I realize why I'm the only one in the officer corps that my guildies trust. I'm the only one that deserves it because I'm the only one who cares about each and every one of them.
Oh yes, I KNEW the raid was going to happen...riiiiiight. Liars. The both of them. They dismissed my efforts and walked over me to achieve their own goals. I'm disgusted with both of them right now and I'm so ashamed I supported them.
You know, I hope they just gkick me. I'd be happier that way and I'd have an insta-guild of my own because there are but few who wouldn't follow me.
I'm tired of being thrown under the bus and being treated as a mere afterthought. I've been through that all of my life and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm tired of being brushed off, abused and treated horribly. Worse, is that I can't stand seeing all of the people I like to play with get left on the sidelines. The group I was in I couldn't stand because they weren't people I liked to play with, but I sucked it up and did my job, crying the entire time.
After two hours of wiping, gee, surprising isn't it from a group of folks still struggling through heroics, I went to talk to the two guys I like to play with most. They wouldn't even talk to me because they view me as one of the people who betrayed them when I only went to do my job. I logged out disgusted, ashamed and worst of all, with no desire to ever play WoW again.
I built a team, one that believed in each other, and all it took were a couple of guys to destroy it all in a matter of seconds.
Boys, thanks for throwing me under the bus. My addiction trigger really enjoyed it.
First, and most importantly I'm dealing with my own personal issues. The first in my fear that I've done the proverbial "falling off the wagon" because it seems that now, more than ever, I'm relying on my bottle of Valium to get me through the tough times. I've had my chronic nightmares return, but instead of being chased by the undead like when I was a kid, now I'm having the same nightmare every night of being prepared for death and being cut into small pieces. It's a gruesome nightmare, I'm laying on a surgical table in a hospital gown and they bring down a what seems like a sort of chain link set of lasers over my body that cuts it into a fine mesh. Right before I fall apart, they place a bag over my body so that I don't fall to pieces all over the place. Right before I die in the dream, I hear them tell me I won't feel anything and I see a hypodermic needle filled with a yellow solution injected into what's left of my arm, the bag is closed up over my head and I die, then I wake up. Somehow I think it's related to my addictions and how I'm gimping by on valium to hold myself together. Something isn't right there, but for the last month, that's the only dream I've had. I wake up terrified usually with anxiety through the roof.
After that gruesome nightmare night after night, I decided to tackle what was hitting my triggers to make me use. Stress is my number one, bar none trigger. If I feel things are out of my control or if I feel betrayed or any other negative emotion, I jump into my pill bottle. It's not good and I know it. But watching Dr. Drew on Celebrity Rehab made me think about a few things...here, have a look, but my point is at 3 minutes 52 seconds into the clip:
Put succinctly, when I have people hurt me or hurt people around me, I shut down. I've always lived with the fact that if people love me, they're going to hurt me. That's it, end of story for me, so when I get bombarded with nothing but negatives from people who "supposedly" were supporting me, I want away from them as soon as possible. Which leads us to the second point:
Second, the game I pay a goodly sum to play and relax every month has become a nightmare. I'm serious, an out and out nightmare. Everywhere I turn, it can't get much worse. My druid class along with every other class has been re-written, ruined or worse. Everywhere I've turned for advice has always had negativity laced with it and even though I'm trying hard, what I'm doing just doesn't seem like it's enough but I figured that I'd battle through and come out the other side just fine.
But, you knew the other shoe had to drop. The one guy who I THOUGHT had my back threw me under the proverbial bus and didn't even bother to say he was sorry while another guy decided to put the bus in reverse and drive it over me again. I've been asking for WEEKS of my GM and Raid Leader when raid season would start every single time a guild member would ask me and I never once got an answer. The closest thing to an answer I ever got was "The second week of January." With no firm date stated whatsoever, I told my sweet guildies, who look to me for guidance and support, that I didn't know what was happening quite yet. It's the truth, even with what they were batting around in our officer forums, there was no clear answer in sight.
So, yesterday afternoon, at seeing that my guild master had only posted a strategy and NO clear date as to when it would be happening, not a "tomorrow night" not jack noodle, I put together a meeting for the people I look after the closest in the raid, my healers.
What do you think happened? The son of a bitch threw me under the bus, changed his post in our officer forums, then politely allowed the raid leader to make me feel like shit as he's putting together raid invites and pressuring ME and telling me "you knew about this" when clearly I didn't, interrupting the healing meeting I had set up and was in the process of, pressuring me to end my meeting early so they could go raid. I didn't even get through half of what needed to be talked about on my team and I was being harassed, none too kindly to finish so they could go raid, taking me along for the sole reason that I'm an officer AND I'm one of about 4 healers who are prepared to go.
They didn't slap a date on their plan to raid, all of a sudden from struggling through heroic dungeons, we're supposed to go raid? I thought it was rude, horrid and completely spineless for them to change the rules of the game until AFTER I had turned my back. They KNEW what I had planned, instead, they stabbed me in the back and left me to bleed. Changing the original post from just a raid strat to look at, to a raid composition to be taken in that night is not only foul but downright underhanded.
What's worse? Oh yes, it's going to get worse folks, because I don't see it getting any better, our wonderful raid leader, the guy I termed as "the tenderheart in a tough guy suit" proceeded to tell the entire guild that how he makes raids is that he's taking people he enjoys playing with, which means his brothers. Sure, he went out on the limb and said there were a lot of people that deserved to go but weren't, and even went so far as to tell everyone that he was tired of taking people who couldn't carry their weight. Now that last part struck me as something ironic because it's a brand new expansion, people are re-learning classes that have been skewed, in some cases to extremes almost unrecognizable from what we experienced last expansion, and he has the nerve to tell everyone that, sorry, you're not going, he's only taking people he knows can deliver and likes to play with. Ok, I can go the fact that wiping isn't any fun and that we'd all like to go with a group that can succeed and we did agree that we weren't carrying people anymore, but the audacity on how he decided on the people who WOULD progress really got my goat. People he LIKES to play with. Not who could do the job best, but who he LIKED. Now, when you're in a leadership position, you don't have much goddamn choice who you like to play with, especially when it's progression on the line for an entire guild made up of over 260 individual characters belonging to around 70-80 people. He actually is handpicking 10 out of 80 only because he likes to play with them. Not because they're good at their jobs, but because he plays to relax and he's not going to give the time of day to people he doesn't think can win a fight. Last time I checked, we all had to learn at some point and with the new Cataclysm changes, I don't see how anyone can go in and think they're invincible. The worst part of it all, and the part that disgusted me most is that my guild master didn't say a word, he just let that raid leader mow down the entire guild's morale and seemed as if he didn't give shit one and was behind it all the way.
I played my part in all of this, I agreed with them that we shouldn't have to carry people, but I didn't think it meant at the expense of the other folks who knew what they were doing and COULD do their jobs right. I thought we were going to construct a team of 25 solid players, not screw everyone else over because we didn't "like" them! I'm just aghast. I empowered that self-centered son of a bitch in the hopes I could make a stronger team made up of more than just HIS family. I naively thought that he had everyone's best interest at heart like I did, only to find out, and KP told me, he did, he warned me, but I didn't listen, and sure enough, all of the people I like playing with got left out in the cold, and so would I had the previous healing druid not taken ill and burnt out. Now I wish he hadn't and hope he gets well soon enough to take my place because I don't want it.
And to think, I actually wanted to go with them at one point not too long ago. I feel ashamed of myself. I was being prideful all in the name of progressing and winning fights, trying to hone my toon into something I could be proud of, only to find that guess what, my happiness is being achieved at the expense of 70 other people who aren't being supported and who apparently aren't given a damn about at the highest levels.
When the announcement went down in Vent after MY healing meeting was carefully planned then rudely rushed and interrupted, that they KNEW was planned for a specific date and a specific time, disregarding me and my team completely, they threw their raid together at the last minute.
After everyone was told basically "tough shit," my screen literally lit up so brightly in pink I went close to blind. I was the one being sworn at, yelled at, cussed out, hollered at and it was so bad that I began to cry horribly. What's worse is that the people yelling to me didn't even bother to point their aggression at those who deserved it. I'm not the one who told them that they weren't desired as a part of a team, I am not the one who told them that they'd have to start their own raid with no support. Yet I'm the one being cried to because no one has the guts to tell those two fellows that they're out of line and that everyone is hurt.
No, I'm the one who took the full brunt of it. Hell, my raid leader thinks it's ok to get away with arrogance with no repercussion when I'm the one who suffers the greatest from every destructive thing he does. When people feel left out or ignored, which is more often than I can count and has happened countless times over the last two years, they come cry to me, when the truth is that those two men that I did hold in respect couldn't have given a damn in the first place whether the rest of the people who look to them for leadership suffer. And I'm the one that's supposed to deflect and delegate when I'm the only one everyone trusts. Now I realize why I'm the only one in the officer corps that my guildies trust. I'm the only one that deserves it because I'm the only one who cares about each and every one of them.
Oh yes, I KNEW the raid was going to happen...riiiiiight. Liars. The both of them. They dismissed my efforts and walked over me to achieve their own goals. I'm disgusted with both of them right now and I'm so ashamed I supported them.
You know, I hope they just gkick me. I'd be happier that way and I'd have an insta-guild of my own because there are but few who wouldn't follow me.
I'm tired of being thrown under the bus and being treated as a mere afterthought. I've been through that all of my life and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm tired of being brushed off, abused and treated horribly. Worse, is that I can't stand seeing all of the people I like to play with get left on the sidelines. The group I was in I couldn't stand because they weren't people I liked to play with, but I sucked it up and did my job, crying the entire time.
After two hours of wiping, gee, surprising isn't it from a group of folks still struggling through heroics, I went to talk to the two guys I like to play with most. They wouldn't even talk to me because they view me as one of the people who betrayed them when I only went to do my job. I logged out disgusted, ashamed and worst of all, with no desire to ever play WoW again.
I built a team, one that believed in each other, and all it took were a couple of guys to destroy it all in a matter of seconds.
Boys, thanks for throwing me under the bus. My addiction trigger really enjoyed it.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Semester wrap up, complete with level 85.
Wow, what a week!
Finals were fun, NOT, but I got through them. I've not received my final grades for the semester yet, but it's all done, finished and through and all during the opening week of Cataclysm.
For those of you who don't play WoW, let's put it this way, when a new expansion comes out, it's a race to the highest level. This time around, Cataclysm only gave us five extra new levels, so now, I'm proud to say that after finishing my finals, and a lot of late nights since, I've hit the magic number. Rel's 85.
I have to say it did suck having Cata come out on the same week as finals. I was torn between books and game and while everyone was busy pushing the envelope on Tuesday night, I was behind the books and baking. By the time Wednesday came, I was a full level behind everyone and oh did it suck playing catch up.
But, before I completely geek out on you, let's wrap the semester in Sophomore style.
Environmental Science 101 was a suck fest. It was a gimme class, but the way it was organized and administered, it was horrible. But, I made it through.
Journalism 101 was a triumph, coming out with a 92 on my final exam, which I was most pleased with. I'll be working with the instructor from 101 in Journalism 475 (Global Media) this spring.
Journalism 102 rocked. Sad news though, due to the tight funds in the university system, Prof. H. is going back to the private sector. The man rocked this semester and he made it so much fun to write on deadline AND do it in AP style. Have y'all noticed how much my punctuation has improved? That's Prof. H.'s handywork and I have to give him major kudos and props for getting me straightened out there. I just find it quite sad that a professor like that won't be teaching anymore because the school can't afford to pay him. Sad, sad, sad. The man is a whiz and an authority in the newsroom. It was a privilege to have him as my teacher for it. Keep rockin' Prof. H. I'm behind you all the way!
So, with nine more credits added to my name, I'm a happy junior resting and relaxing before I take on 13 credit hours this spring. But all in all, I did get two more classes toward my major out of the way and I'm thrilled for it.
So, I finished another semester with relatively minor distractions, KP's on the scene (except he's camping this weekend with the kids), Chance has his toon holed up in Uldum (the Egyptian themed zone in WoW) while he's off doing some clinic for his job and Jim, Jason, Stephen, Jeff, Chris, Ryan, Rob, Suzi, Tammy and the whole gang are on board leveling, cheering and doing what KVN does...be a great family. But I'm sad as I'm looking around and not finding Heidi or Isaiah anywhere....Santa must be waiting to hide them in Rel's Christmas stocking.
As a special note, I have to give props and kudos to a lady who's left behind a legacy of teaching me how to boss in proper style...today, rest her soul, is Aunt Sissy's Birthday! Even though she died several years ago, she still lives in my heart and she is the source of me being able to put my foot down, do things right and boss people around like a real pro. Seriously though, she was a very wonderful woman who loved me so much and was the very first one to accept me for who I was, recognizing the fact that I walk to the beat of my own drum. She's the one who taught me that it's not only ok to be different, but it's a must. Happy Birthday Aunt Sissy, I love you!
So that wraps up the Fall 2010 semester.
My plans for the holiday break are to read the Wall Street Journal and a magazine called The Week as prescribed by Doc Fish to prep for 475 and enjoy the beginnings of a new raid season with KVN, the world's best guild in WoW.
Tron: Legacy is coming up on the 17th and of course, I'll be with Mom and Nan tomorrow baking up more Christmas confections...woot! It's the holidays!
Finals were fun, NOT, but I got through them. I've not received my final grades for the semester yet, but it's all done, finished and through and all during the opening week of Cataclysm.
For those of you who don't play WoW, let's put it this way, when a new expansion comes out, it's a race to the highest level. This time around, Cataclysm only gave us five extra new levels, so now, I'm proud to say that after finishing my finals, and a lot of late nights since, I've hit the magic number. Rel's 85.
I have to say it did suck having Cata come out on the same week as finals. I was torn between books and game and while everyone was busy pushing the envelope on Tuesday night, I was behind the books and baking. By the time Wednesday came, I was a full level behind everyone and oh did it suck playing catch up.
But, before I completely geek out on you, let's wrap the semester in Sophomore style.
Environmental Science 101 was a suck fest. It was a gimme class, but the way it was organized and administered, it was horrible. But, I made it through.
Journalism 101 was a triumph, coming out with a 92 on my final exam, which I was most pleased with. I'll be working with the instructor from 101 in Journalism 475 (Global Media) this spring.
Journalism 102 rocked. Sad news though, due to the tight funds in the university system, Prof. H. is going back to the private sector. The man rocked this semester and he made it so much fun to write on deadline AND do it in AP style. Have y'all noticed how much my punctuation has improved? That's Prof. H.'s handywork and I have to give him major kudos and props for getting me straightened out there. I just find it quite sad that a professor like that won't be teaching anymore because the school can't afford to pay him. Sad, sad, sad. The man is a whiz and an authority in the newsroom. It was a privilege to have him as my teacher for it. Keep rockin' Prof. H. I'm behind you all the way!
So, with nine more credits added to my name, I'm a happy junior resting and relaxing before I take on 13 credit hours this spring. But all in all, I did get two more classes toward my major out of the way and I'm thrilled for it.
So, I finished another semester with relatively minor distractions, KP's on the scene (except he's camping this weekend with the kids), Chance has his toon holed up in Uldum (the Egyptian themed zone in WoW) while he's off doing some clinic for his job and Jim, Jason, Stephen, Jeff, Chris, Ryan, Rob, Suzi, Tammy and the whole gang are on board leveling, cheering and doing what KVN does...be a great family. But I'm sad as I'm looking around and not finding Heidi or Isaiah anywhere....Santa must be waiting to hide them in Rel's Christmas stocking.
As a special note, I have to give props and kudos to a lady who's left behind a legacy of teaching me how to boss in proper style...today, rest her soul, is Aunt Sissy's Birthday! Even though she died several years ago, she still lives in my heart and she is the source of me being able to put my foot down, do things right and boss people around like a real pro. Seriously though, she was a very wonderful woman who loved me so much and was the very first one to accept me for who I was, recognizing the fact that I walk to the beat of my own drum. She's the one who taught me that it's not only ok to be different, but it's a must. Happy Birthday Aunt Sissy, I love you!
So that wraps up the Fall 2010 semester.
My plans for the holiday break are to read the Wall Street Journal and a magazine called The Week as prescribed by Doc Fish to prep for 475 and enjoy the beginnings of a new raid season with KVN, the world's best guild in WoW.
Tron: Legacy is coming up on the 17th and of course, I'll be with Mom and Nan tomorrow baking up more Christmas confections...woot! It's the holidays!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Baking and Studying for Finals
Tonight, I am spending my night baking and studying for finals. Why bake while studying? Easy. Prof. H's birthday is tomorrow and I promised him a batch of my new experimental holiday cookie for him to munch on while all of the students take our finals.
Ok, so as I've been reading chapters out of "News Reporting and Writing," I've been at the mixer whipping up a batch of Oatmeal-Craisin-Pecan cookies.
I'm a huge fan of oatmeal cookies. Underneath the sweet goodness of an oatmeal cookie lies something healthy, oats. Yep, they're low in cholesterol, high in fiber, boring plain, but put in a cookie, delicious.
I've always baked oatmeal raisin cookies. I've never been crazy about raisins though. So, I've usually just baked plain oatmeal cookies with lots of cinnamon. Either way, thanks to my Grandmother, I've got this incredible touch when it comes to baking. Everything that seems to come out of my oven, whether it's a cake or cookies or some kind of candy, they always delight the tastebuds of everyone who's ever tried them, and they've all come out with one word, "Yum."
However, with my grandmother's touch with cookies, baked goods and confections, I also come with her curse of being terrible with meats. That's right if I can overcook it, I do. Roasts that are tough as rawhide are the bane of my existence and the usual result of me trying to make a roast. My pork chops, however come out juicy and succulent, so I guess it only goes to roasts that I'm terrible at.
But life is all about maximizing strengths and minimizing weaknesses, right? So tonight, standing over my mixer, I could almost hear my grandmother as she told me just how long to cream together the sugars and butter. Then, adding the eggs and vanilla, beating them into the sugars until they turned into this creamy golden goodness which told me to turn the mixer off again. After that, I put together the flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon into a separate bowl and stirred them together. I turned my mixer back on to add in the flour mixture, adding it in a tablespoon at a time until it all coalesced into this beautiful golden dough. I then measured out three cups of oats, savoring the smell, then added them to the dough, turning on the mixer long enough for the oats to be stirred in. Then, came the point where I knew I was living dangerously.
Raisins are one thing, but craisins (cranberry raisins) are another. They've got a sharp, tangy, yet sweet taste which I had never seen added to a cookie before, but I decided that life is all about calculated risks, so instead of the cup full of raisins that were dictated by the recipe, I used a cup of craisins instead.
Then I really jumped off the edge. I've rarely heard of an oatmeal cookie with nuts in it before, but if I had gone that far by adding the craisins, then a half cup of pecans would do just fine. In they went as I looked up at the ceiling imagining my grandmother and hoping it would all turn out ok. Never once has my grandmother's touch let me down when it came to baking, so I figured, if all else failed, I'd bake up another batch.
Well, as I finished putting together the cookie dough, I dug a pair of tablespoons into the dough and started laying them out on my cookie sheets, hoping everything would come out delicious.
Ten minutes later, the timer on my oven went off and the first dozen came out. With the words, "Here's to you MaMa," (read "Maw-Maw") I grabbed a cookie and took a bite.
Yum. Now I'm kind of sad I didn't make these earlier. The unique thing about these cookies is that the cranberries kind of stay with you as this refreshing, tart aftertaste that is leaving my mouth feeling clean, yet sweet.
And for all of you who want to see what they look like, here ya go.
Now it's back to the books and more studying with the delicious smell of freshed baked cookies filling the air.
While I'll miss my guildies tonight, the cooking and books have to come first. Finals tomorrow! Onward!
Ok, so as I've been reading chapters out of "News Reporting and Writing," I've been at the mixer whipping up a batch of Oatmeal-Craisin-Pecan cookies.
I'm a huge fan of oatmeal cookies. Underneath the sweet goodness of an oatmeal cookie lies something healthy, oats. Yep, they're low in cholesterol, high in fiber, boring plain, but put in a cookie, delicious.
I've always baked oatmeal raisin cookies. I've never been crazy about raisins though. So, I've usually just baked plain oatmeal cookies with lots of cinnamon. Either way, thanks to my Grandmother, I've got this incredible touch when it comes to baking. Everything that seems to come out of my oven, whether it's a cake or cookies or some kind of candy, they always delight the tastebuds of everyone who's ever tried them, and they've all come out with one word, "Yum."
However, with my grandmother's touch with cookies, baked goods and confections, I also come with her curse of being terrible with meats. That's right if I can overcook it, I do. Roasts that are tough as rawhide are the bane of my existence and the usual result of me trying to make a roast. My pork chops, however come out juicy and succulent, so I guess it only goes to roasts that I'm terrible at.
But life is all about maximizing strengths and minimizing weaknesses, right? So tonight, standing over my mixer, I could almost hear my grandmother as she told me just how long to cream together the sugars and butter. Then, adding the eggs and vanilla, beating them into the sugars until they turned into this creamy golden goodness which told me to turn the mixer off again. After that, I put together the flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon into a separate bowl and stirred them together. I turned my mixer back on to add in the flour mixture, adding it in a tablespoon at a time until it all coalesced into this beautiful golden dough. I then measured out three cups of oats, savoring the smell, then added them to the dough, turning on the mixer long enough for the oats to be stirred in. Then, came the point where I knew I was living dangerously.
Raisins are one thing, but craisins (cranberry raisins) are another. They've got a sharp, tangy, yet sweet taste which I had never seen added to a cookie before, but I decided that life is all about calculated risks, so instead of the cup full of raisins that were dictated by the recipe, I used a cup of craisins instead.
Then I really jumped off the edge. I've rarely heard of an oatmeal cookie with nuts in it before, but if I had gone that far by adding the craisins, then a half cup of pecans would do just fine. In they went as I looked up at the ceiling imagining my grandmother and hoping it would all turn out ok. Never once has my grandmother's touch let me down when it came to baking, so I figured, if all else failed, I'd bake up another batch.
Well, as I finished putting together the cookie dough, I dug a pair of tablespoons into the dough and started laying them out on my cookie sheets, hoping everything would come out delicious.
Ten minutes later, the timer on my oven went off and the first dozen came out. With the words, "Here's to you MaMa," (read "Maw-Maw") I grabbed a cookie and took a bite.
Yum. Now I'm kind of sad I didn't make these earlier. The unique thing about these cookies is that the cranberries kind of stay with you as this refreshing, tart aftertaste that is leaving my mouth feeling clean, yet sweet.
And for all of you who want to see what they look like, here ya go.
Now it's back to the books and more studying with the delicious smell of freshed baked cookies filling the air.
While I'll miss my guildies tonight, the cooking and books have to come first. Finals tomorrow! Onward!
Nightsong
It's been a long night. First to my local Best Buy to pick up my Collectors Edition of Cataclysm, then it was home to install it and then get in and check on my guildies.
You have to understand one thing when it comes to the relationship between me and the 60-someodd people in my guild. I adore all of them. They're great people and since I've spent the last three months prepping them for this day, I was like a mother seeing her kids off on their first day at school. I wanted to be in there with them for their first moments, showing them instance entrances, where trainers were and share the wonders that I spent three months testing and taking notes so their first moments of this expansion would be not only fantastic, but unforgettable.
I've run two instances, quested to the point that I got my seahorse, but the rest of my time was spent answering questions, fighting for quest mobs to kill and towing guildies to the vortex that leads to the Abyssal Maw.
Since Cataclysm launched at midnight, I've had a wonderful time hearing the gasps, the laughs and more prevalent, the yawns, with sheer joy in their voices as they tackled new challenges and saw new and wondrous things late this evening and into the wee hours. I can't express the sheer joy I got just from being there with them as they saw it for the first time. While they may have made level 81 far before I have, it's absolutely worth it to see them enjoying themselves so much. It made all of the days I posted tips, videos and put in so much work to get them ready so very worth it.
So, as my eyes fight me to stay open, I'll leave you with the song of the day, from the Cataclysm Soundtrack, the Night Elf Ballad, "Nightsong."
For all of my readers in KVN, with a sniffle and a proud tear of joy in my eye, I love each and every one of you very much, I'm proud of you and most of all...
Welcome to Cataclysm.
You have to understand one thing when it comes to the relationship between me and the 60-someodd people in my guild. I adore all of them. They're great people and since I've spent the last three months prepping them for this day, I was like a mother seeing her kids off on their first day at school. I wanted to be in there with them for their first moments, showing them instance entrances, where trainers were and share the wonders that I spent three months testing and taking notes so their first moments of this expansion would be not only fantastic, but unforgettable.
I've run two instances, quested to the point that I got my seahorse, but the rest of my time was spent answering questions, fighting for quest mobs to kill and towing guildies to the vortex that leads to the Abyssal Maw.
Since Cataclysm launched at midnight, I've had a wonderful time hearing the gasps, the laughs and more prevalent, the yawns, with sheer joy in their voices as they tackled new challenges and saw new and wondrous things late this evening and into the wee hours. I can't express the sheer joy I got just from being there with them as they saw it for the first time. While they may have made level 81 far before I have, it's absolutely worth it to see them enjoying themselves so much. It made all of the days I posted tips, videos and put in so much work to get them ready so very worth it.
So, as my eyes fight me to stay open, I'll leave you with the song of the day, from the Cataclysm Soundtrack, the Night Elf Ballad, "Nightsong."
For all of my readers in KVN, with a sniffle and a proud tear of joy in my eye, I love each and every one of you very much, I'm proud of you and most of all...
Welcome to Cataclysm.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Hottie of the Day, #9
Well, as we're adding to the list of hotties as we go along, and since I'm about to hop out the door to pick up my Collectors Edition of World of Warcraft: Cataclysm, I have to add a hottie to the list.
Number nine comes to us in the form of the man behind the voices of so many iconic WoW characters. He's Thrall (woot, go Thrall. I want a bumper sticker that says I <3 Thrall, which is odd because the majority of my toons are Alliance). He's also the voice of the Terran Battlecruisers and Marines in Starcraft 2. But, he's also the creative powerhouse behind the lore and storytelling inside of WoW. The man, just from an intellectual gamers point of view is a total swoonfest, not to mention total eye candy. While some girls think Zac Effron is hot (I'm not one of them, don't worry gals), I'm a big fan of #9...
So without further adieu, I give you the man who makes being a geek look hot, the one and only, Chris Metzen.
But for all of you gals who haven't heard him speak and get swept away by this charismatic geek, I give you his opener from Blizzcon 2010: "Geek Is..."
And for a gal who does voices for fun, to entertain and ultimately communicate, his range of characters is one that makes me proud I can "Hooray" like a gnome one moment, and give the sexy eastern European accent of a Draenei the next. That's swoon points you can't deny when it's a skill you have that you can see in someone else. From Blizzcon 2009, the Q and A session where he talks about doing voices.
So to Chris, I tip my hat and that's what makes him the newest addition to the hotties list.
Number nine comes to us in the form of the man behind the voices of so many iconic WoW characters. He's Thrall (woot, go Thrall. I want a bumper sticker that says I <3 Thrall, which is odd because the majority of my toons are Alliance). He's also the voice of the Terran Battlecruisers and Marines in Starcraft 2. But, he's also the creative powerhouse behind the lore and storytelling inside of WoW. The man, just from an intellectual gamers point of view is a total swoonfest, not to mention total eye candy. While some girls think Zac Effron is hot (I'm not one of them, don't worry gals), I'm a big fan of #9...
So without further adieu, I give you the man who makes being a geek look hot, the one and only, Chris Metzen.
But for all of you gals who haven't heard him speak and get swept away by this charismatic geek, I give you his opener from Blizzcon 2010: "Geek Is..."
And for a gal who does voices for fun, to entertain and ultimately communicate, his range of characters is one that makes me proud I can "Hooray" like a gnome one moment, and give the sexy eastern European accent of a Draenei the next. That's swoon points you can't deny when it's a skill you have that you can see in someone else. From Blizzcon 2009, the Q and A session where he talks about doing voices.
So to Chris, I tip my hat and that's what makes him the newest addition to the hotties list.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Relax, breathe and pretend I'm Oprah.
Yeah, that was a line spoken by Rosie O'Donnell in the film Exit to Eden (based on the Anne Rice novel).
Do you know how many times I've repeated that line to people? A lot.
But it seems as with all the buzz going on around Oprah putting her final season on the air, leaving the airwaves after 25 years, I began to wonder about something. What are people going to do after she leaves?
I'll be the first to admit, I don't watch Oprah. I catch an episode every now and again, but I don't go out of my way to watch her show. I never really have because it just never meant that much to me to hang on every word of her opinion. To me, she is just another person out doing good things and sharing her nutritional value with the rest of the world. That's a good thing, and it's the same stuff all of us Sophomores are taking to heart and taking to the streets every day we walk out our doors.
Millions of people tune into Oprah every day, and I don't blame them, she gives away cool stuff, she has guests people want to know about and between her philanthropic work and the numerous careers she's helped launch, you can't really help but admire her. Her public image is one where everyone kind of looks at her and points going "that's a good person." Her generosity legendary, her fan base astronomical, she's a honest-to-goodness icon. But I can't help wonder, what will happen to all of her millions of adoring fans after she says goodbye?
I have a reader who calls my blog her "online crack." I guess you can say it's an addictive thing when you can pull up the page and see someone else coping with something you've gone through too, it helps you heal and most of all it reminds you that you're not alone. That reader has actually helped coin a phrase, "Crackmore," yes, a person who tunes in every day just like they would to listen to Oprah. To be quite honest, my favorite Crackmore has brightened up many a day for me because she reminds me that I'm not alone either. (And I'm an old egotist, it feels good to know people are interested and reading along.)
Yesterday, as I was cleaning up around my apartment, I imagined the day far in the future where I'll be talking about graduating from school. At that moment I felt uneasy and very disconcerted thinking about what I was going to do with my blog after I finished school. It was akin to Oprah finally putting her show to bed after 25 years...what am I going to do then? But I think (and as Jim often reminds me) it's kind of like putting the cart before the horse, it's nothing to get too excited over because we've still got lots of ground to cover and lots of potholes to bounce through.
Oprah and her icon status reminds me of the times I've spent in online worlds like There.com and Uru. Someone actually told me once I was an icon in There. Talk about bizarre. When I heard that, I looked up at the ceiling and said, "But, I go to the bathroom like everyone else, and I most certainly don't crap marble," referring to a Charlton Heston quote I heard once. Icons are only, I think, temporary. They come and go with the fickle nature of consumerism and society in general. Ever heard of OD'ing on a song or hearing enough about celebs like Lindsay Lohan? Yeah, it happens. Icons only last so long until we tire of them or they step on their whatevers so hard that we cringe at the sight of them (Mel Gibson anyone?). It's true. Icons are a temporary beast at best.
But, the Oprah phenomenon isn't that far removed from being interviewed by Barbara Walters (who I do a great impersonation of by the way). Remember the Barbara Walters interviews? (Link goes to her final Oscar special.) Oy, I remember the way people talked about them, how she got her guests to cry and so forth. Barbara and Oprah are an example of two gals who KNOW how to interview. They know how to ask just the right question and so forth, helping our butts make their way to the edge of our seats. As a result, they're both pretty big cultural icons.
I remember when Barbara interviewed Oprah for the first time and Oprah said that she always knew she was born for greatness. Big words, but she made it the truth. I wish I could be as arrogant to say that!
But for years movie stars, authors, politicians and celebrities of all types have sat and talked with those two women without hesitation.
For me, it's a screen lit up in pink. It's the corner of my screen in World of Warcraft. Like the expression goes, "Everyone, at one time or another, comes to see Mama Rel." And damned if that isn't the truth. In There.com, it was constant bars coming up from the bottom of my screen saying "X avatar is IM'ing you," and it would have 'yes' and 'no' buttons on the right hand side where I had an option to answer it like a phone call saying, "Hello or Hey you," or just pressing the little button that said 'no', followed by me scribbling on the notepad next to my mouse writing down all the names of folks I had to call back when I had a moment.
Unlike There.com, in WoW, it doesn't matter, if someone wants to talk to me, all they have to do is type in the phrase /w Relyimah and tell me what's on their mind. I don't have an option to turn it off or decline it, it just comes through as lines of pink in the bottom left hand corner of my screen. For all the times I've said, "Relax, breathe and pretend I'm Oprah," there have been ten times that amount of whispers, IM's, messages, letters and so forth.
I remember not too long ago getting hit with 15 simultaneous whispers all at one time. To be honest, I thought at that moment I was going to lose my mind. I had 15 people all at the same time wanting my attention. It was to ask my advice, say hello, ask a question about something, requests for crafting, you name it, it has come up on my screen. For the last seven years, no matter the online world, when people have asked for my attention, I've always tried my best to give good advice, make my words kind, gentle and tasteful, be tolerant and most of all, when folks just needed to talk, I've sat for hours smiling and nodding. I've put up with the world's largest horse's asses but also have been around some of the kindest people I'll ever meet in my life.
It's one of those things I guess, whether it's being well-known for giving away goodies or being an exceptional interviewer to being a kind teacher, a mentor, a friend or if you're lucky enough to be known as the sticky stuff that holds a group of people together, being a great communicator has it's upsides and down.
I remember when I finally said goodbye to being a teacher and administrator at the University of There. Through some hard work, a little group of us pulled together enough clout to make some millionaire invest in our little project and give us a big piece of land in that virtual world. It was toured, taught at, more importantly, learned at, and it became this sort of cultural hot-spot that said that the sum was greater than it's parts. When I left, I remember being told horror stories about the mad dash for power a few people made to try to fill the gap I had left by taking my travelling show somewhere else. I remember it being characterized as taking a load bearing beam out of a house's living room. From what I saw and heard, it seemed as the roof decided to collapse in on itself for a bit until someone stepped up to the plate and cleaned house.
I got a whisper in a panic the other day. It was a hunter in my guild who was VERY concerned over what was going to happen to me this upcoming Tuesday when Cataclysm opens up and we welcome back the fella who used to do the officer job I now hold in my guild. He was very upset. He said, "They can't replace you!" I laughed and told him that the fella I stepped in for was a 100 times better healer than I'll ever be and that he's a wonderful guy, but that hunter wouldn't hear it. He said, "But is he a better guild mom?" I had to laugh at that and while one of the greatest druids I've ever met may come back and take my titled job away, well, I don't think he'll ever say, "Relax, breathe and pretend I'm Oprah."
That's the good part about being the sticky stuff...and while Oprah and Barbara may enjoy all that free time on their hands, they might have forgotten about one thing...we do a necessary job, we make you feel better and like us or hate us, we're the ones who keep things moving forward by inspiring, sharing and making sure that YOU feel valued and important.
For today's song of the day, let's go with something bubble gum and fun, and the one reason people like me do the things we do, because we've got an endless amount of love. Bottlefly's "Got 2 B Luv." Besides, it reminds me of all of my precious guildies...those nerds. LOVE YOU GUYS!
Do you know how many times I've repeated that line to people? A lot.
But it seems as with all the buzz going on around Oprah putting her final season on the air, leaving the airwaves after 25 years, I began to wonder about something. What are people going to do after she leaves?
I'll be the first to admit, I don't watch Oprah. I catch an episode every now and again, but I don't go out of my way to watch her show. I never really have because it just never meant that much to me to hang on every word of her opinion. To me, she is just another person out doing good things and sharing her nutritional value with the rest of the world. That's a good thing, and it's the same stuff all of us Sophomores are taking to heart and taking to the streets every day we walk out our doors.
Millions of people tune into Oprah every day, and I don't blame them, she gives away cool stuff, she has guests people want to know about and between her philanthropic work and the numerous careers she's helped launch, you can't really help but admire her. Her public image is one where everyone kind of looks at her and points going "that's a good person." Her generosity legendary, her fan base astronomical, she's a honest-to-goodness icon. But I can't help wonder, what will happen to all of her millions of adoring fans after she says goodbye?
I have a reader who calls my blog her "online crack." I guess you can say it's an addictive thing when you can pull up the page and see someone else coping with something you've gone through too, it helps you heal and most of all it reminds you that you're not alone. That reader has actually helped coin a phrase, "Crackmore," yes, a person who tunes in every day just like they would to listen to Oprah. To be quite honest, my favorite Crackmore has brightened up many a day for me because she reminds me that I'm not alone either. (And I'm an old egotist, it feels good to know people are interested and reading along.)
Yesterday, as I was cleaning up around my apartment, I imagined the day far in the future where I'll be talking about graduating from school. At that moment I felt uneasy and very disconcerted thinking about what I was going to do with my blog after I finished school. It was akin to Oprah finally putting her show to bed after 25 years...what am I going to do then? But I think (and as Jim often reminds me) it's kind of like putting the cart before the horse, it's nothing to get too excited over because we've still got lots of ground to cover and lots of potholes to bounce through.
Oprah and her icon status reminds me of the times I've spent in online worlds like There.com and Uru. Someone actually told me once I was an icon in There. Talk about bizarre. When I heard that, I looked up at the ceiling and said, "But, I go to the bathroom like everyone else, and I most certainly don't crap marble," referring to a Charlton Heston quote I heard once. Icons are only, I think, temporary. They come and go with the fickle nature of consumerism and society in general. Ever heard of OD'ing on a song or hearing enough about celebs like Lindsay Lohan? Yeah, it happens. Icons only last so long until we tire of them or they step on their whatevers so hard that we cringe at the sight of them (Mel Gibson anyone?). It's true. Icons are a temporary beast at best.
But, the Oprah phenomenon isn't that far removed from being interviewed by Barbara Walters (who I do a great impersonation of by the way). Remember the Barbara Walters interviews? (Link goes to her final Oscar special.) Oy, I remember the way people talked about them, how she got her guests to cry and so forth. Barbara and Oprah are an example of two gals who KNOW how to interview. They know how to ask just the right question and so forth, helping our butts make their way to the edge of our seats. As a result, they're both pretty big cultural icons.
I remember when Barbara interviewed Oprah for the first time and Oprah said that she always knew she was born for greatness. Big words, but she made it the truth. I wish I could be as arrogant to say that!
But for years movie stars, authors, politicians and celebrities of all types have sat and talked with those two women without hesitation.
For me, it's a screen lit up in pink. It's the corner of my screen in World of Warcraft. Like the expression goes, "Everyone, at one time or another, comes to see Mama Rel." And damned if that isn't the truth. In There.com, it was constant bars coming up from the bottom of my screen saying "X avatar is IM'ing you," and it would have 'yes' and 'no' buttons on the right hand side where I had an option to answer it like a phone call saying, "Hello or Hey you," or just pressing the little button that said 'no', followed by me scribbling on the notepad next to my mouse writing down all the names of folks I had to call back when I had a moment.
Unlike There.com, in WoW, it doesn't matter, if someone wants to talk to me, all they have to do is type in the phrase /w Relyimah and tell me what's on their mind. I don't have an option to turn it off or decline it, it just comes through as lines of pink in the bottom left hand corner of my screen. For all the times I've said, "Relax, breathe and pretend I'm Oprah," there have been ten times that amount of whispers, IM's, messages, letters and so forth.
I remember not too long ago getting hit with 15 simultaneous whispers all at one time. To be honest, I thought at that moment I was going to lose my mind. I had 15 people all at the same time wanting my attention. It was to ask my advice, say hello, ask a question about something, requests for crafting, you name it, it has come up on my screen. For the last seven years, no matter the online world, when people have asked for my attention, I've always tried my best to give good advice, make my words kind, gentle and tasteful, be tolerant and most of all, when folks just needed to talk, I've sat for hours smiling and nodding. I've put up with the world's largest horse's asses but also have been around some of the kindest people I'll ever meet in my life.
It's one of those things I guess, whether it's being well-known for giving away goodies or being an exceptional interviewer to being a kind teacher, a mentor, a friend or if you're lucky enough to be known as the sticky stuff that holds a group of people together, being a great communicator has it's upsides and down.
I remember when I finally said goodbye to being a teacher and administrator at the University of There. Through some hard work, a little group of us pulled together enough clout to make some millionaire invest in our little project and give us a big piece of land in that virtual world. It was toured, taught at, more importantly, learned at, and it became this sort of cultural hot-spot that said that the sum was greater than it's parts. When I left, I remember being told horror stories about the mad dash for power a few people made to try to fill the gap I had left by taking my travelling show somewhere else. I remember it being characterized as taking a load bearing beam out of a house's living room. From what I saw and heard, it seemed as the roof decided to collapse in on itself for a bit until someone stepped up to the plate and cleaned house.
I got a whisper in a panic the other day. It was a hunter in my guild who was VERY concerned over what was going to happen to me this upcoming Tuesday when Cataclysm opens up and we welcome back the fella who used to do the officer job I now hold in my guild. He was very upset. He said, "They can't replace you!" I laughed and told him that the fella I stepped in for was a 100 times better healer than I'll ever be and that he's a wonderful guy, but that hunter wouldn't hear it. He said, "But is he a better guild mom?" I had to laugh at that and while one of the greatest druids I've ever met may come back and take my titled job away, well, I don't think he'll ever say, "Relax, breathe and pretend I'm Oprah."
That's the good part about being the sticky stuff...and while Oprah and Barbara may enjoy all that free time on their hands, they might have forgotten about one thing...we do a necessary job, we make you feel better and like us or hate us, we're the ones who keep things moving forward by inspiring, sharing and making sure that YOU feel valued and important.
For today's song of the day, let's go with something bubble gum and fun, and the one reason people like me do the things we do, because we've got an endless amount of love. Bottlefly's "Got 2 B Luv." Besides, it reminds me of all of my precious guildies...those nerds. LOVE YOU GUYS!
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