Sunday, November 6, 2011

Playing for the Castrati

Ok, it is time once again for a rant.

As you know, my rants are saved for those extra special moments where I just sit back and go W.T.F.?!?!?!?!  I've been saving my WTF's up for a while and now they're all going to sit front and center to reassure women everywhere that we ladies are not the problem, we're just the ones that are left behind to clean up the mess left behind when men go on a drama-fest.

Over the last several months, since May actually, I've been faced with an incredible amount of drama.  Enough so that I have practically worn my molars down to their roots with how I've clenched my teeth in the hopes that I could keep enough of a semblance of sanity to make my words kind, gentle and tasteful.

Here's the thing though, every single last bit of drama I've encountered over the last two years or more has ALL been man-induced.  Yes, I'm talking about men.  You know, those creatures who are otherwise known as rampant, psychotic Y chromosomes on an estrogen binge from hell?  With the grand exception of KP and my father (those sainted men), every single man I know is on some sort of drama-fest.  My personal life, work, school, playing WoW, it doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'm constantly surrounded by man drama.

Here's where I get really ticked.

Men, for years, have pissed, bitched, moaned and whined to me that women are just the world's worst for having or being an unending source of drama.  Ok, well let me give the newsflash fellas, women only have drama when it's MAN INDUCED!  We only get swept up in it because we gals have to clean up the mess left behind by the Y chromosome hurricane that just passed through and it usually ticks us off to high heaven, enough to the point that the only way we can keep our sanity is by letting you know about it.

I don't get it.  I mean, I'm a stand up girl, I don't put up with much drama because I state clearly for all to hear that I am on a drama-free diet.  I have no want, need, desire or inclination to want to even come near drama, much less take part in it.  But, like demon spawn from hell, there it is, drama, and it's all man-induced, which wears my patience down to an extremely fragile thread.

I've watched with dismay recently as men in their 40's, 50's and 60's have absolutely volunteered to play for the castrati because they sure as heck have more estrogen issues than 90% of the women I know.

Women, when faced with an issue, are pretty basic.  We break out our claws, basically leave in shreds anything that has ticked us off and then we do what any sane person would do, we move on.  Yes, some women are vindictive, they'll come back and revisit bare backs with their claws as a reminder that says, "Don't do that again," or to quote Billy Crystal in  Analyze This, "You want a fresh one?"  Like I said, women are pretty simple:  we get ticked, we decimate the source of the issue, we move on.

But no.  Men are a totally different scenario altogether.  Hyperfocused rah-rah spills from every orifice, drunken tears go streaming down cheeks, impossible demands are made, vendettas are aired in public, immature screaming, paranoia, you name it, and all of this, mind you, is coming from men's mouths and I'm having to either hear it with my own ears (to the point I'd like to shove ice picks in them to make it all stop) or it's in e-mail form to which I just take the e-mail and hit "delete."  But then, oh, here it comes, then, men come and cry to me that women are worse than they are.  Really?  I mean seriously, someone has got to really explain this one to me.  I have never in my life witnessed such hypocrisy.

Oh sure, men just love to tell a woman that they're being overly dramatic or taking things far too seriously, but you tell me, what about those guys who get drunk and then involve everyone into their issues or pity parties?  How about the ones who can't quite seem to grow the pair they pride themselves on having or boast endlessly for hours about?

My favorite, bar none, has to be the tales of the men who have no interest in sex while their wives are laying next to them trying to get some, then the guys have the nerve to act hurt.  OY VEH.  It really does happen.  That right there, all man-induced drama, enough to make a woman's fists clench so tight that it could drive fingernails through palms in record time.

Then people wonder why I run from men at Mach 2 with my hair on fire and my relationship history is accurately summed up as a trail of emotional wreckage.  I've finally come to a point where I've finally realized the truth that has evaded me for so long...maybe my relationship problems weren't my fault to begin with.  When I think of it that way, it actually makes a whole lot of sense.

What gets me worst of all is how men can now sit so shocked at the fact that more women are climbing the corporate ladders with incredible speed AND gape in awe that there are more women CEO's than ever before, it's because the 21st century woman has Zero-Drama and Zero-BS tolerances, that's how.

So ladies, it's Sunday.  When your man brings drama to your doorstep today, politely look at them and say what you've been dying to say for years:

It's your drama.  Deal with it.

Then politely smile knowing that you've put yourself on a drama-free diet and grown the pair they seem to have lost so that they have all sorts of time to waste playing for the castrati.

Go ahead girls, you know you want to, shudder with me and shake off all that man-drama, we're long overdue.

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