Saturday, April 10, 2010

Movies that remind you of the "Why's"

Let's go over the last week before I do my rant on the Why's of life.

I stopped into the admissions department over at UNLV, seems as come fall, well I'll be a full-time sophomore on my way to Junior year status.  Why did it take so long to get here?  Well, let's set the way back clock for 1990.  Working until 11pm at night at Disney World in Florida combined with an 8am Monday-Wednesday-Friday 8am chemistry class that I was way out of my league for ended up having me flunk out of school at the University of Central Florida.  Yeah, I spent most of those days that I went off to school passed out on my sorority house couch.  So, my first time around in the University scene didn't go so good.  But out of all of it, I came out with 35 credits to my name that had barely passing grades.  Two UNLV semesters later, Fall with a 3.75 and this semester with a projected 4.0, I've lifted my average high enough to, get this, be admissable.  Ok now that's a HUGE OMG moment.  I went from having to endure having a status as a 'non-degree seeking student' to being able to enroll this fall as a full-fledged, full-time, degree seeking student.  And I did it all on my own. 

Next, I had a Thyroid Ultrasound last week.  Thanks to my lovely auto-immune disease called "Hashimoto's Thyroiditis", my thyroid now looks like a dog's chew toy, with so many dimples and nodules in it, it's barely recognizable anymore.  The disease is progressing and eventually my thyroid will disintegrate.  That's the nature of the disease though.  A lot of people get freaked out when I talk about it.  It's simple, my body is confused so it thinks my thyroid is an invader and is slowly destroying it.  I take a little pink pill every morning to replace what my thyroid would do naturally and it keeps me functioning normally.  I'll be taking that little pill for the rest of my life.  It's now just a part of my daily routine, so don't panic, it happens to a lot of people and I'm fine.  I just can't ever stop taking my medication is all.

Thursday I had my endocrinologist appointment.  See, part of my symptoms that go along with my disease are fatigue, depression, weight gain, muscle weakness, joint pain, oh, there's a phone book sized list of the different symptoms that go along with it.  So as I was talking to my Endocrinologist, he noticed that I was tired, listless and to be honest, my depression has not been easy as of late.  I'm having lots of anxiety, almost anything and everything I think about sets it off, I'm popping Xanax like they're baby aspirin, and I'm not in the best way right now.  Doc simply said, "Focus on the good things".  To which I replied, "What good things?  Everything I think about gives me anxiety.  I tried to find a happy place and I just can't find one.  I don't have very pleasant memories at all, so to find one that will give me peace, there just isn't any."  So, my disease in it's lovely progression is not making my life-long fight with depression any easier.  I feel like I'm just running uphill with no traction whatsoever.

Today, I had my hair appointment.  My stylist is such a doll, she always remarks that I've lost weight, when in reality, I've not lost much, it just keeps shifting around. 

For the last week, I've spent some time at my local Blockbuster.  I never rented very many movies, I usually just wait until they come on HBO and play a billion times until they're taken out of the rotation.  But, since I needed to watch "Hamlet"  for my World Lit class, because if I had to read it, I was going to snore through it or not do it, so the film seemed the best sure-fire way to make sure I choked down what is argued to be the world's greatest work of literature.  My luck still holds, Blockbuster didn't have it, so to iTunes I went and rented it, I had originally planned for the Mel Gibson version, but ended up with Kenneth Branagh's version.  Ok.  If you're going to do the FOUR hours that is Hamlet, do the Branagh version.  It's got a star studded cast and absolutely gorgeous.  On top of all that, you've got Billy Crystal as one of the grave diggers before the "Yorrick" scene and it is the work of Bill Shakespeare 110% word-for-word.  By far, it's easy as hell to understand.  However, it did take me about a day to stop thinking in iambic pentameter.  The paper I wrote for it was called "The Fresh Prince of Fair Hair".  Yeah, I got a perfect score on my paper.  Thanks Doc T.

All semester long, I've been giving my World Lit professor great titles for the response papers I've had to write for the works of literature we read:

On why stories are important to us:  A View of the World Through Different Eyes
The Epic of Gilgamesh:  Gordon Gekko
The Odyssey (Part 1):  The Opportunist
The Odyssey (Part 2):  Wrapped Around Your Finger (the questions were based on Scylla and Charybdis featured in The Police song of the same name)
Macbeth:  Drama King, with Extra Ketchup
On Tragedy as referred to Macbeth:  Tragedy Hits Scotland.  Film At Eleven.
The Ramayana of Valmiki:  Life in the Myst Universe
Oedipus the King:  Use Your Head, Don't Lose Your Head
Medea:  Rock On, Sister
Dante's Inferno (1-17):  In Over Your Head
The film Se7en:  The Deadlies
The 1001 Nights:  Step Aside, Lady Coming Through
The 1001 Nights "Tale of the Porter":  Make Your Words Kind, Gentle and Tasteful...
The 1001 Nights Conclusion:  Yes, Yes.  We Know, 'All Praise Be'...
Hamlet:  The Fresh Prince of Fair Hair

So for Macbeth and Hamlet, the movies held me through them.  It helped me understand the story and have a visual representation.  As I've always said, I'm a triple-threat learner, auditory, visual and tactile.  So I had to hear the words being spoken and see the action to have it really sink in.  Now back to I struck out trying to find Hamlet, but found a whole store full of the audio/visual stimuli I constantly require.  I rented "Star Trek", "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince".  On the next visit just today, I picked up "Terminator Salvation", "Transformers: Rise of the Fallen" and the kicker of it all "The First Wives Club".

I saw that The First Wives Club was playing on the Oxygen Network, but with how many commercials there are and how I have to have the story be congruous to hold my attention, I went for a rental instead.  I finished watching it a little bit ago.

What struck me out of that film is that there is life after your ex walks out.  Yep, there is.

Ok, we're sneaking up slowly but surely on the first anniversary of my ex hitting the door.  This is good...

Let's go over the last year...

I get into UNLV.  I start making good grades.
I start cleaning out closets & removing my ex from the apartment.
I get brand new bed linens.
I get myself a Lichtenstein Poster.
I finish the fall semester with a 3.75.
My sister gets breast cancer.
My sister has a double mastectomy.
The spring semester starts.
My sister starts chemotherapy because she's HER2 positive.
I finally get under the sinks in my bathrooms and finish cleaning out the mess left by my ex.
I get voted #1 speech in my Journalism 100 class and awarded extra credit for it.
I figure out that I can't live without my pal KP or my pals in my WoW guild.  I quit and went back.
My thyroid disease starts progressing again.
I decide to change my major to Advertising/Public Relations with a minor in Communications.
I find out that all my hard work at school has paid off, I'm admissible this fall.

And I did this on my own.  Yeah, there is life after the door hits the ex in the ass on the way out.  He went for the Bassett-hound faced bitch and I got a life relatively free of him that's filled with success built by my own hands.  It's something.  I was telling my Endocrinologist about it all and after the initial excitement wore off, I felt myself in the same position that I was in before I became a drug addict, so desperate to feel good, that the rush of success wore off quickly and that I needed to feel it again. 

In some ways, I feel like Hamlet when he's pissed at himself that he wants to commit suicide and Ophelia doesn't think about it, she just does it.  But then I look at all that I've accomplished.  Yeah, my apartment is a mess right now, I spend too much time playing World of Warcraft and I'm still torn up about my sister and her cancer, the fact that I've been abandoned, again, but I've had the oomph to make sure my clothes are washed, my dishes are done, my homework is done and turned in on time, and I got myself to admissible status.

I guess this girl is doing it for herself.  It's slow and sluggish right now.  I feel out of focus.  But, I'm on my feet and moving.  Things aren't the most interesting right now, but they're progressing.  Not sure about much right now, it feels like everything is high up in the air.  However, it's one step at a time right?

And the brave part of you says, "Keep moving forward."  It's the ladies in "The First Wives Club", it's going out and making it happen, and on the other hand, it's like the film "The Women", where Meg Ryan stands up and gets things moving and becomes greater for the experience of being left by her husband for another woman.  It's the madness of Hamlet with the humility of the Ramayana of Valmiki.  It's identifying the Odysseus' of the world and making sure they're seeing Penelope stand up and say "Kiss my ass".  It's Medea's wrath that visualizes a game plan makes it work.  It's the D'ni survival instinct.  It's all of these things that culminate inside my head and heart and scream "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE LATELY", that asks honestly if I've given it all I've got even though I feel like road-kill.

I guess those movies are there to inspire.  They're there to let you know, to let me know, I'm not alone.

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