Yes, I'm a geek. There's no other way to put it, but I'm probably one of the most beautiful geeks around...LOL. I love my technology. It's part and parcel of who I am and I think with what I know, combined with what I do, it makes for a pretty amazing human being. So, after a few hours of self-encouragement, I was ok.
During my geekery, a few text messages went back and forth between Raj and I. Raj is one of my best pals, so after feeling like I had fallen on my face, he was the one guy who I wanted to talk to most. After all, he's the one who's been insisting most that I get out more, and that I needed to find something to love me back. He's the proponent of me getting a dog, which I still won't do, but he's quite insistent that I'm very much worth being given a lot of love.
So, at 2:30 this morning, Raj gave me a call. I was up, I was tinkering with my work some more and sliding in a level or two of game time. I told him everything that happened and he just politely told me, "Sher, you're doing it again, you're being too hard on yourself." Raj and I have had the argument that I'm too hard on myself multiple times. He insists that there is nothing in the world wrong with me, that I'm beautiful, that my self-inflicted neuroses of being fat and so forth are just quite unnecessary. In my defense, admitting that I'm fluffy is a sign that I'm aware of my physical appearance. Raj says that's BS, that I'm beautiful and he doesn't understand why I'm so rough on myself. Ok, I'll admit that it's habit. I'm so used to being told I'm not good enough that inevitably I've learned to be self-critical to the point of metaphorically cutting myself down just out of habit before someone else comes and does it for me.
I'm so broken. LOL. Anyhow, Raj and I spent an hour arguing back and forth, he says I didn't fail while I am insisting that I did, and what was funny is that he repeated the exact same phrase Nan and Carl told me during my post-mortem with them..."First dates are like an interview." I sat there going, "NOW they tell me that?" Oy veh. I wish I would have known that before hand! *facepalm* Does anyone have the dating rulebook so I can study up BEFORE I attempt to fling myself off a cliff? Ugh. So horrible to find that out AFTER the fact. I told Raj, "How the hell was I supposed to know that? I just talked to him like I talk to you and KP. He's a guy, what the hell else was I supposed to do?" More facepalming followed.
Then, Raj and I talked about magic. I've got one of those personalities that's got a lot of charm. Raj calls it "my magic," because I can charm just about anyone...but last night, I felt like I had run into the one person in the universe that was immune to it.
Nan made an interesting point to me. It doesn't matter how much magic I have, sometimes there's just nothing there. Carl then came in and said, "Dating is like casting a net in the ocean, sometimes you're going to get something, sometimes you won't. But the important thing is that you put in an effort." It was sweet to hear my big brother say he was proud of me for trying. Nan said the same thing, that she was thrilled I actually took initiative and got into the game. They both know that I'd rather hide out than go out, so we can all collectively sigh and admit, it's a step.
Yeah, but the one thing that's really annoying me is that my magic isn't working like it used to. I blame it on my fluffiness (I'm not going to get off of that kick until I've lost another 15 pounds, so y'all can just hush). Ok, maybe I can't blame it on just that. Ugh, I just need more help. I need the dating rule book or some poor fool to take me through it step by step so maybe I won't feel like I'm perpetually landing on my face. I'm scared of landing on my face, there I said it. Maybe Raj is right, I expect too much from myself and yes, I can be a little too hard on myself sometimes too. But, I'm a perfectionist. I like everything in very particular ways. I want some guy to look at me and be amazed with what he sees, that's not too much to ask, is it? Maybe I'm as broken as I think I am because I'm thinking about how I used to look instead of looking in the mirror and accepting myself as I am. But that's not entirely true. I got ready yesterday, looked in the mirror and said, "Well, if he digs me he does, if he doesn't, he doesn't. There's nothing I can do about how someone else feels." It's the Ad/PR thing, I'm a BS artist for a living, but I'm just not buying into my own BS. *facepalm*
Speaking of magic...the oddest thing is happening outside right now...as I've been writing, the clouds have been gathering and are looking pretty ominous. It goes to show, when I'm feeling up, the sun shines, the moment I get down, it clouds up. I'm magic, but I guess I'm just not using it right. LOL.
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm done beating myself up about it. I took a risk. I think Doc Cat would be proud of me for putting myself out there and giving it a try. So, I'm just going to get over it, smile, look around my apartment, be thrilled with what I have and just move on. I look at it like this: it was a fresh topic to write on. On top of that, on the self-help front, this is a valuable lesson, it is one that says, "You've got to keep being hopeful, get in there and keep trying." The nutritional value of it is that I learned something about myself.
So, in that spirit, I'm going to give myself a big bunch of Gerbera Daisies (my favorite) and smile at the fact those simple flowers are the source of joy.
For the song of the day, let's go to a old favorite, from the album, "Ghost in the Machine," The Police, who are going to remind me that even though I may not feel it all the time, every little thing I do is magic. I think about it like this, if I've changed as many lives as I have in a positive manner, there's no reason to think I'm not. Or, going a step to the ludicrous, maybe he got jammed up because my magic did work, he just didn't know what to do with it... lol, oh come on, laugh, that's funny because while highly improbable, it could happen...
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