That's the best word I can come up with right now for how I'm feeling. Giddy. It's the exhilarated rush you feel when the person you're digging on looks at you and says, "Are you kidding? You're gorgeous."
Forgive me while I squeal, jump up and down and for all intents and purposes fall all over myself with joy.
Yeah. Wow. A real life, in-the-flesh man called me gorgeous to my face. Ok, well, I guess the long wondering if I'm pretty or skinny enough can fly out the window now...forgive me while I OMG about a billion times.
Now, as we know, I like to study and dissect things and really understand what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. This morning, a trip to Doc Cat's office was a must because while I didn't want to talk about the guy I'm digging on (and by the way, don't ask, he's not even remotely going to be paid lip service to, all you need to know is there is a guy out there who digs me, you don't need to know anything further than that), I wanted to understand why I am obsessing so hard over him.
I won't tell you the story of my weekend. Let's just say I spent an inordinate amount of time perusing the subject of him. Ok, right around now he's just cooler than sliced bread and if I could curl up in him for the next hundred years, I wouldn't turn down the opportunity. However, at seeing that I was feeling out of control spending far too much time um, well...oh hell, let's just say it out, drooling over the guy, I knew I needed an intervention.
So, there I am in Doc Cat's office this morning completely freaked out that I'm giddy over this *insert long string of praises and drooling over attributes* guy and how it's wreaking havoc with my study time. All semester long I have been focused, working hard, really on track with what I was doing. All weekend long I was trying my damndest to get all of my work done on my semester projects coming due only to fall flat onto my face. I'd work for 15 minutes and I'd sigh and swoon for the next 20. On and on the process went. Thank goodness for Haley, she came over on Sunday night and we worked on our ad campaign and every time I'd go into a swoonfest about the guy, she'd metaphorically slap my head back on straight and we'd keep working. It was the best work I had done on the project all weekend. As I described this to Doc Cat this morning, she looked at me and said, "Right now, you sound like you're on drugs. But that's what the hormones and chemicals in your body do to your brain when you're in the throes of infatuation." I looked at her and went, "Oh my God, it's my addict brain!"
As we know, as a long-time addict, my brain is broken. Enough years of abuse, trauma and all of my other crap will do that to a person. My coping mechanisms don't work right, hence, I get all sorts of out of control when I get a big rush of adrenaline plus all of the very unused hormones that accompany infatuation start zooming around in my body. So, that's why I couldn't work last weekend worth a flip, I didn't know how to control what I was going through. Thank goodness for Doc Cat, she gave me some simple instructions...I get to spend an hour out of every day just swooning over the guy I like. For an entire hour, that's all I get to do. After the hour is up, I have to focus back on my other priorities like studying for finals. It's called organizing and prioritizing. I like that. I mean how cool is that, I get to work around my broken brain to teach myself how to cope with what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling it by devoting an hour a day to a luscious human being. Can you say "Yay!"
Yes, I'm the girl who is constantly saying "I don't need a guy in my life" and here I am just going batshit crazy over some guy. However, I'm sticking to my guns. I don't need a man in my life. I don't. I don't require one for self-esteem or identity or anything else, I'd just like one around to spend quality time with and be able to use really big words around him without being looked at like I'm nuts. *giggle* We already know I'm nuts! LOL!
But, I'm giddy. He called me "gorgeous." Swoon! Faint! Ok, I get about 20 more minutes of swoonfest before I have to go back to my other stuff.
For my fellow folks who are recovering and dealing with addict brains and so forth, it's important to remember that change is always happening, like the fool on the tarot card walking off of the precipice, you need to make sure that you're happy enough with yourself to have wings so you can fly after you walk off the edge.
Risk is something that we all do, whether we realize it or not. Case in point, I was told I was a very good flirt today (along with gorgeous) and I had to stop him and say, "Unintentional flirt." Trust me, I haven't flirted in years, I'm not sure I even know how to do it anymore, however, my curled hair, the face full of makeup, contact lenses and the pressed shirt along with a head full of bouncing curls might be construed as such. See? Changes! Yeah, I really didn't get into being all made up like I used to back in my 20's because I didn't see a reason for it. I will say this though...damn, you sure get self-conscious about your self-image when someone looks at you favorably. Yeah...oh man, am I fixing up these days! Yikes!
I will say this though...I have a really good reason for being fixed up today. Haley, Reid and I presented the ad campaign for our cereal today.
I'll take just a moment to recognize Dolly Parton again for her line out of Straight Talk and really honk my own horn. Oh, did we rock! It was fabulous! Oh, the entire room hated us because it was so good. Oh, we so rocked. I'm so proud of the work we did. Dr. S. praised us for such a well-rounded and detailed campaign. You should have seen me. It was so awesome! I stared out my presentation with The Rolling Stones' "Start Me Up" because our tagline was "...It's a start," and got the whole room clapping along, then added in some Daft Punk and just rocked it! We took the ENTIRE (and then some) 20 minutes for our presentation, but while the other groups just looked at print, broadcast TV, and radio, I blew that sucker out to kingdom come with all of the elements of Integrated Marketing Communications. Oh sure, I did a website, radio, TV and print ads, even the usual Facebook page, but then I just went nuts adding in a concert series to "Put the Crunch on Cancer", flash mobs, a branding book which held all of the unique information on our colors (in CMYK and RGB values) to enhance our "Brand Community" with collateral to encourage fan pages, oh, I just went bonkers and did what I know how to do. Oh! It was a triumph! So very happy with it.
Then, what do you think happened? A guy called me gorgeous!
Some days just are so good, aren't they?
Finally, at long last I get to blog about some serious joy happening. Woot!