Banging my head into my desk.

It's been a long day. It's been one of those days where I think I would have been much better off by just pulling the blankets over my head early on and just letting it go by without acknowledgment.

Work was, I'm sad to say, quite the string of problems today. Knowing how to make your words kind, gentle and tasteful doesn't come as second nature to a great many folks, so I spent my afternoon banging my head into the keyboard, my desk and after having that last shred of patience be tried and worn thin, a partially drank, small plastic bottle of Dr. Pepper found itself flying across the room in anger.

I think I've finally found one of the root causes as to why I am the way I am. I'm a girl who lives day in and day out with a pretty high set of standards. Yeah, my kitchen might not be the world's cleanest right now and my laundry is laying in piles just waiting to be done, but we all can go the one simple fact, that when I do something, I do it right. I go all the way or I don't do it at all.

Friday night was a real treat, dinner at Parma (click on the link to check the menu) and margaritas afterwards at a beautiful little place called Agave. You have to admit, I pick some nice little spots. Parma, for it's outwardly "hole-in-the-wall" appearance, has inside it's doors a very quaint and welcoming atmosphere. Put succinctly, it's got the appearance of a "hole-in-the-wall" outside but it has Spago-esque high-end cuisine inside. I had a Filet Mignon that melted in my mouth, but not before I had a wonderful appetizer of mozzarella and tomatoes with full leaves of basil drizzled with balsamic vinegar. It was wonderful. The ambiance was simple yet refined and the food was delicious. In all, another triumph of an evening dining on Chef Marc's cuisine.

I have to say though, I need to think more thoroughly about my selections as to outdoor venues to relax and have a drink. In Las Vegas, being outdoors at night in July is the same as sitting in a blast furnace, and along with the fact that we're having lots of humidity right around now, it made sitting outside to enjoy a drink into a sauna-type environment. So, it wasn't the greatest idea in the world to try to take in some patio margaritas. Oh well, we live and we learn.

Saturday wasn't the most banner of days. My meetings all went well during the day, but let's just say that my evening dining experience wasn't what I had on Friday. I obeyed my internal directive to always try something new every day. Instead of the previous evening's crafted cuisine, well, I ended up at an Asian buffet that had all of the ambiance of a greasy spoon, which we all know that in comparison to the dining experience the night before, it made the evening inevitably fall a little flat. I tried to embrace it, I really did, but my whole person sat there absolutely repulsed. I couldn't help it.

Yes, I'm getting out and trying new things, and while Nan would tell me I can't be prideful about the things I'm presented with, I do have to say that well, we all have things that we enjoy and are accustomed to. As we all know all too well, I've lived the last 10 years merely surviving. I don't find "survival" acceptable anymore and after 10 years, I don't know many people who would. I have things that I like to do, I have places I'd like to see, but the one overarching fact is that under my own power and dictates, I live well. When combined with another person, it doesn't go so well. I've found that some people are "ok" with just surviving while I'm doing everything in my power to not only survive but thrive. "Just surviving" isn't an option for me anymore. If I can give myself the wonderful things I do, I would fully expect someone trying to co-exist with me to live their life the same way.

Let's look at my ex for a moment. We can all agree that he was pretty weak. The phrase "weak-ass sh*t" from the film Bull Durham would be most applicable to him because whereas he's always had some kind of problem and did his damnedest to try to take me down with him, away from him I not only do well, but extremely well. If I choose, I can go to the spa, I can eat at the restaurants I like to eat at, and I can do whatever my heart desires with all of my bills paid and no worries. I never have to quibble anymore over my choice of cuisine nor the ambiance I enjoy it in. Admittedly, it is good to be an empowered woman.

Ever since my ex hit the door, I kind of feel like Crash Davis (Kevin Costner's character in Bull Durham) stepping up to the plate. You know, the part where he's got the bat in hand and he's getting ready to hit a home run and he looks at the pitcher and thinks: "Throw that sh*t again, Meat. Throw that weak-ass sh*t again," and there I stand just waiting for the pitch that I'll hit sending the next poor soul over the fence and out of the game. As horrible as that may sound, and as prideful as I may seem, part of me says that maybe I don't gear shift that fast, or maybe I'm just the world's biggest snob and that I am so spoiled being by myself that I'm not fit for human consumption anymore. Either way, the gear shift from Friday to Saturday was not only unhinging but told me one simple fact, not everyone lives the same way I do, not everyone has what I have and although I may be generous and so forth, it's tough to pitch in a foreign league against rough hitters, and admittedly I'm as rough as they come.

But let's take the ballpark analogy a bit further. There is a vast difference between hitting in "the show" and hitting in minor league ball. Look at it, the ballparks in the majors are vast green fields, painstakingly kept, the baseballs are always brand-new, clean and white. In the minor leagues and below you see that everything isn't quite as kept up the same way, the baseballs in the buckets are not always straight out of the wrappers and the crowds aren't always as thick in the bleachers. On top of that, there's something about a hot dog at a minor league baseball game that is just not the same as it is in the majors. Call them hot dogs all the same, but there's a big difference when you consider the ballpark you're eating it in because it's rather exhilarating to be sitting on the third base line right above the dugout in a vast major league stadium and sitting behind home plate in a small, modest minor league one.

Call me snobby if you must, but simple facts are, I like major league baseball.  I love the painstaking attention that is paid to the field, the pampered and often over-priced players and so on.  Ok, let's say it plain!  I like quality things.  Tell me if you can't see the difference between sitting in Fenway Park and some little minor league field, it's all about discerning the differences, just like having nosebleed seats in Centre Bell to see the Canadiens or sitting in the VIP boxes or four rows up from the ice, you definitely know the difference.  But then again, I'm the girl who sang "Kill the Wabbit" while sitting through a performance of "Ride of the Valkyries" by the Montreal Symphony Orchestra inside Place Des Arts in Salle Wilfrid Pelltier.  (See the box seats, left side bottom row, second up?  That's where our season-long seats were.)

And believe me in those 10 years, I did a lot like Bugs looking at the man next to me, eye rolling with the thumb motion pointing at my ex going, "Yeah right, magic helmet..." LOL!

But in all of my joking around, and my disdain of the symphony, mountaineering, and overall pushing back from anything that would require me to get dirty, you have to admit, I like nice things.  I tried an Asian buffet this week, effectively trying something new, but I won't be doing one of those again anytime soon, I promise you that.

On Friday I have on the bill of fare a trip to Spago for Weinerschnizel and Reisling with my regular dinner partner of the last two years, a book. I definitely think I deserve it.  Peace, Love and Spago, just how life should be.

Ice Cream and Daisies

As we all know, I love movies and watch TV quite a bit. Although I have been outside with someone new, when things start out I still have to face one fact, when things are of good quality they take time to develop. So I've still got nights where I'm watching lots of TV and that's just fine.

HBO is currently playing the film Going the Distance with Drew Barrymore and Justin Long. Just for the record, Drew Barrymore is one of my favorite actresses, she's just so rockingly cool. I love the fact that she's pretty brash. So, I got a huge laugh out of the film. Actually, it's the first time in a long time I've watched a film that's relationship-centric and had a really huge laugh out of it without having any anxiety about it at all. So, as you can guess, I think I'm turning another corner.

Lately, I've switched gears in what movies I like to watch. Before, I spent time with It's Complicated, The First Wives Club, Eat Pray Love and other divorcee kind of films, you know the kinds that are all about putting your life back together after catastrophe hits. Now, I'm spending more time with movies like Going the Distance, that have tons of romance in them, that are funny and have a great sense of innocence about them when it comes to dating, so I'm limiting my bitterness intake and replacing it with being more hopeful.

One of the reasons I think Going the Distance is so hysterical is because how they cast Christina Applegate as Drew Barrymore's sister. Ok, put those two next to each other with the way the lines were written and it is just like watching me and Nan. Oh, there were some moments where Christina Applegate channeled Nan to a T, and said things that were almost verbatim of what she's told me in the past. It was just so fun to be reminded of Nan that way, it made me appreciate her all the more.

But we'll get back to Nan in a minute, we've got to talk about ice cream first...

Last Tuesday I sat outside eating ice cream under a star-filled sky next to a really good looking man. Yeah, there's someone new, but sorry, no details outside of the fact that he's got crystal blue eyes, this amazing voice, a great smile and an incredible sense of humor. Going out for ice cream was a bizarre moment because first, I've never had a man take me out for ice cream, and second, I was completely myself with my usual quirks, issues and neuroses, was totally at ease and didn't fall on my face once. Ok, it doesn't hurt that the person who sat next to me has his own issues, his own quirks and his own neuroses that are very similar to my own. We actually sat and talked about triggers, therapists, personal growth and all of the things you're really NOT supposed to talk about when you start dating. But what was bizarre to me is that it felt like I had known him for a long time.  There was no awkwardness or anything like that, things just flowed.  Believe it or not, he actually talks just as much as I do, and just as fast. Yeah, nod with me, that's pretty damn cool.

In the last week we've had some little things happen, things that yes, you would find in a Drew Barrymore film and laugh your butt off at. I can't tell the one bad story, it would just sound outright cruel, but what happened is actually pretty funny, but you can't tell the story until after it becomes an actual serious relationship and you're celebrating your 20th anniversary. It's just one of those where you go, "I can't believe that happened and OMG that's so horrible, but that's really funny." So, if things progress with my new blue eyed friend, maybe someday I'll share it. Let's just put it this way, the unintentional stumble that caused him to land on his face caused me to trip over him and land on mine. After that little event happened, I was a little put off, but in hind sight, it's actually hysterically ironic that we would both go down together. Hey, relationships, it's a team thing, right? LOL! At the time, I didn't find it as funny as I do now, but sufficed to say, I called Nan to dish the next day, told her about what happened, and after she patiently listened to me rant, it was her turn to talk.

You have to admit, having a sibling to give you advice is a double-edged sword because while they're always going to protect and support you, they don't always agree with where your logic goes; and sometimes that is an awesome thing. Like it or not, our siblings act as a mirror for us. They are the gut-check and the honesty that you forget to have when you're all wound up. I'm grateful for Nan, if it wouldn't have been for her metaphorically giving me a slap gently in the back of the head and reminding me to not be prideful, I wouldn't have had the most amazing time last night. After my talk with Nan and her reminding me of a few very common sense things, the next day I called her back and grumbled at her saying, "I hate it when you're right." She got a big laugh out of that. I then stepped up to the table to eat my words, so I called him and apologized for being prideful. Yesterday, he showed up at my door with a handful of white daisies. I'm grateful he's super patient and understanding, and was sweet enough to bring daisies to make me smile. Awesome.  

So, like a scene out of a movie, yesterday he and I sat and had a beautiful meal together, then went to this groovy little place called the Tenaya Brewing Company. He picked out this great ale for me (you know I rarely ever drink beer, but I always try to at least try one new thing each time I'm out to expand my horizons a bit). I had never had a beer with an orange slice in it before, so I sat and listened as he talked about how when he traveled in Europe and learned how to like beer. We sat there for a while, talking, laughing and it was so incredibly funny when I found out that I was wrong to think I was a walking innuendo because no no, he's got me beat. He takes flirting to a very funny place that is so cute. I've never laughed so hard. Remember, I grew up with Nan, so that means you have to be quick witted to the point of light speed. You can toss a quip at Nan and she'll catch it and throw it back at you so quick it could take your head off. Well, my new friend is right there at the speed I'm used to, so when the wit started flying, things zoomed back and forth at a perfect speed. There were moments where some quips had a bit of zing to them, and you know what, he and I must get each other's sense of humor because nothing hurt and I finally found out what it's like to be around someone who can joke around without hurting me! You know how I always complain that there are no men smart enough to keep up? Well, he can. And if that's not enough to bring a tear to your eye and cheer for me, giving me a "right on!" I don't know what will. I had so much fun! It was nice to sit across from someone who feels like an equal. I know it's early yet, but still, there's a little sparkle of something there which I never thought I'd ever see again.  It's wonderful and I'm going to be grateful for it. Raj has always told me I was hanging out with the wrong people, and I never really got it, now I see where he's coming from.

I called Nan to dish this morning and told her thank you for slapping my head back on straight. Without Nan doing what she did, KP teaching me how to build bridges to get over things and Raj insisting that I get back into the game, I wouldn't have had such a wonderful time.  

Over the last seven days, I've had brilliant company, ice cream and daisies.

That's a good thing.

For the song of the day, I'm going to grab a song I like from the film Going the Distance, The Boxer Rebellion's "Spitting Fire."

Books, books and oh wait...TV...

I'll relate something funny today as well as add another guy to the hotties list.  Oh, come on, I've not added someone to the hotties list in a looooong time...so I think we're due for a #10.

As we all know, I'm a bibliophile.  Come on, the only action happening in my bedroom is paper cuts because let's face it, my bed is always covered in romance novels.  Ok, I'm not seeing anyone volunteering for the job of being my boyfriend, so the romance novels will have to do.  The last one I read was another Kenyon, "Born of Shadows" which was really good, I enjoyed it, but you guys know me, I have to have a constant stream of input coming in so my mind stays focused.  So, without a new Kenyon coming out for at least another couple of months, I flipped on the television to find....oh yes...Game of Thrones.

I do realize that I could end the suspense of what's going to happen to that wonderful cast of characters written by George R. R. Martin by going down to the bookstore and picking all five books up, but you know, that takes all the fun out of the suspense of waiting until next spring for the next season to debut on HBO.

What's funny in all of this was last month, I was on the phone with Nan and we were having a great talk, and I turned around to see a Game of Thrones episode start...without even thinking, I blurted out, "Oooh, Game of Thrones is starting..." to which Nan said, "Isn't good?  We record it on the DVR." I sat shocked at the fact that my sister and I actually dug on the same TV show!  That, to me, was so cool.  At that, we wrapped up the conversation quickly and I took a flying leap onto the couch, snuggled up under my polka-dotted throw and sat drooling over the hotties in Game of Thrones.

Now, I'll definitely say that the cast of Game of Thrones is littered with the hot and not-so-hot.  Of course, those of us who went to the theaters back in 1992 to see Harrison Ford in Patriot Games got a very unexpected treat in the form of Sean Bean.  Ok, if that isn't enough for you, let's just say one name, "Boromir."  Thank you for playing...Sean Bean definitely had some hotness going on in the Lord of the Rings, but it was hard to see it because he was neck deep in other eye-candy, namely Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen.  Now while I wasn't too crazy about the whole Legolas thing, or the whole Aragorn thing...I was totally into the Boromir thing going, "ooh, yeah...corruptible..." LOL   Ok, I'm kidding about the whole "corruptible" thing, but, you have to admit, Sean Bean has got some goodies going on, even though it's hidden behind the armor, the unwashed hair and unkempt beard along with ten tons of mud and some blood-caked blades.  So, it shouldn't be any surprise to see Sean getting back into the armor for Boromir 2.0.  I was really tickled to see him like that again and his portrayal of Eddard Stark was so sweet, it was like Boromir never died, got married and had a slew of kids, legitimate and one not-so-legitimate (Go Jon Snow!).  Gotta give kudos to Sean playing Eddard...as I read in an article earlier, he got "hosed by being merciful."  I say he should have just chopped that little shit Joffery's head off before everything went down.  Alas, we lost Eddard and I want to weep!  Getting an assured look at Sean Bean every week was a great way to enjoy a series!  It sucks that Sean has had to say goodbye to GoT, I really tuned in to see him every week.

Another guy (not-so-hot, but lovable) that got killed off was Mark Addy.  Damn it, you all know how I like Mark Addy.  I loved him as the rebooted Friar Tuck in Ridley Scott's not-so-great reboot of Robin Hood.  So to see Mark again all fixed up and leaving his good guy roles from A Knights Tale and the forementioned Robin Hood to play an unhappy king, rife with all sorts of flaws, it was a treat!  But what happened to him?  Dead.  Dang it!  Ugh!  And what happens?  The one guy who could have held it all together gets replaced by some little shit...it's agonizing!  He dies and we lose Eddard too...what is this?  Put together a great cast and kill them all off in the first season?  Argh!

Oh but then it gets worse, the girls in the series aren't the greatest examples of feminine behavior (who else got a little wigged out and uncomfortable at seeing Caitlyn's sister breast feeding her pre-adolescent son?  *shudder* EWWWWWW!  Creepy!)  We've got Cersei, who is just all sorts of twisted...and that whole incestuous Lannister thing...*ewww* again, and the simpering Sansa who IMHO should have shoved that little shit Joffery off the bridge, I don't care what the "The Hound" said or did.  Personally, I keep hoping The Hound has other plans for dispatching that little shit.  Can you tell I dislike Joffery?  Oh, you would not be wrong in the assumption that I don't like that character very much, but I don't think I'm alone in the sentiment.

Then there's Caitlyn and Arya.  Oh, who else absolutely adores the little girl who plays Arya?  She is so precious and pulls it off so well.  As far as Arya goes, I love how her "dance teacher" was actually her fencing instructor, and the fact that she's an all-around better fighter than her similarly aged brothers.  I can't wait to see how they progress her in Season Two, I fully expect by the end of the series that she'll be in full armor and kicking ass better than most of her male peers.

Her mom though, ooh, who else cheered when Caitlyn picked up the rock and punched Jamie Lannister in the mouth in the season finale?  I did!  I'm not quite down with Caitlyn's methodologies, but I did love the line where she tells Robb, "First we get your sisters back, THEN we kill them all."  LOL!  Woot!  Now that's a mom who has her priorities straight...make sure the kids are all safe then kill everyone else.  LOL.  What I didn't care for was how she accused Tyrion of shoving Bran out the window.  Yeah I know that we, as the audience, knew who did it, but come on, Tyrion? (Huge props to Peter Dinklage, more on him later.) He likes the Starks, has respect for them, it's Jamie, Cersei and that abomination Joffrey that are the psychos in house Lannister. (Don't get me started on the Tywin...btw, was I the only one who yelled out an impersonation of Eddie Murphy when Charles Dance came on screen hollering, "It's Noomsie!" from The Golden Child?)

But, let's get to the one good part of House Lannister.  As promised, let's give some props and kudos to Peter Dinklage who plays "The Imp" Tyrion.  Has anyone else noticed how many scenes he's saved, lightened up or just plain stole?  Oh wow, for being only 4'5" tall, he sure is a big presence in the room every time he comes in, so major props to Peter, he's rockin' that role and I'm soooooo glad he didn't get killed off, although him marching into war only to get knocked out by a hammer on the way was hysterical; the way he woke up to "oh, by the way, we won..." was priceless.  As far as the character of Tyrion goes, I truly think he's the one "good" guy in the "bad" guy camp.  You gotta know that somewhere along the line he's going to turn out to be the hero of the whole thing, he's going to be the one guy who saves the day, with casks of wine and whores in tow.  Headline:  Short man makes for tall king, film at 11.

But all that aside, we need to go across the ocean to find the rest of the goodies...

This brings us to hottie number 10...ok girls, put your hands up and show me how many of you go bonkers over Khal Drogo! (Hops up and down hollering "Me! Me! Me!") Jason Momoa, yes girls, he's got the whole Hawaiian thing going on, in which I'm just going to spare us all from the five paragraphs of the normal KP swooning. (You gals know how I love those island boys...nom nom nom nom nom....but I will say again that KP still brings the swoon factor to a fever pitch.)  But KP aside, let's go for the goods!  Drool with me girls...

*Whimper* Ok, looking *that* good should be a criminal offense.  OY VEH...knee buckle...swoon.  Jason Momoa goes onto the hotties list for a couple of reasons, first and foremost for me is his invocation of the KP factor.  Like it or not, the KP factor is powerful....just trust me on that.  Second is that he made the biggest badass be the guy that all the girls wanted to jump through the screen and slit Dany's throat, just for the sheer joy of the prospects of jumping into bed with him ourselves.  He showed us that under that badass exterior was a gentle soul who loved his wife.  Ok that right there, the whole "I can rule the world and love my wife with all my heart" thing, oh, Jason sold it big time, leaving every hopeful romantic girl going, "I want one of those."  NOM!

Then there is that little tidbit that he's rebooting Conan (that's what he's doing in the photo, being very "Conan", which gratefully his accent is a little less thick than the ex-Governators).  Think I'll be going to see that one...oh yeah...could care less about the script, I just may go with my .mp3 player filled with music and listen to that just so I can watch him for an hour and a half plus...when it's that good looking, who cares what comes out of their mouths, they can just stand there and smile for all I care, or in Jason's case, look dangerous.  LOL!  I'm just ticked to high heaven that the one true piece of eye-candy that I could have sustained myself on in Game of Thrones...they killed off.  UGH!  How could they kill off something that good looking?  First Sean now Jason!  It's so unfair! *weeps into hankerchief*  Oh the tragedy of it all, they've killed off all of the eye-candy! How could they? Waaaaaaaaah!  (I'm sitting here laughing my butt off at that over-dramatic, tongue-in-cheek humor.)

Ok, I've written enough for the day...it's going to suck having to wait until next spring for the next season of Game of Thrones, but considering what's left in the hotties pool, the Danish blonde that plays Jamie and um, a little of the guy who plays Robb, meh, welcome to a great story with a hottie drought.  There's not much left to watch except to root for Tyrion as he does his thing and pray that little shit Joffrey meets a very gruesome end.  In some small way, I want it to be that precious little girl Arya sticking it to him good with a grown-up version of Needle.

All the places I've been...

Today, I got asked "Out of all the places you've traveled, what was your favorite?"

That is a tall order to fill...considering my parents took us to Europe when I was 13 (it was actually Nan's graduation gift...), and that I've been a whole host of places, I can't really have a favorite.

Here's what I replied...

I've been so many places that I really don't have a favorite. I'm peculiar, I have this phrase I use for life, "nutritional value." The way I look at it is that each place I've been has brought a unique nutritional value to who I am. When I was a kid, my favorite place in the universe was to sit at night on the stairs leading to the beach when my parents would take my sister and I to South Padre Island every summer. I fell in love with the sound of the waves crashing onto the beach and seeing beautiful stars twinkling overhead.

Another unique place I've seen is the view from the top of the ski jump in Innsbruck. The thing that sticks out in my mind is that the ski jump looks directly into a graveyard...it was creepy, but when you're 13 and traveling around Europe, it makes for a memory that will stick to you forever. I guess it taught me that anything you do has a certain amount of risk, how far you're willing to go is what makes you who you are.

The Swan Room in Neuschwanstein Castle was another favorite spot, although the entry room with it's highly polished wooden floors had me looking at my dad and saying, "Hey Dad, wonder how far we could skid across that if we took a run at it in our socks..." Daddy hugged me and said, "Not today Angel." LOL

I loved the view of Paris from the top of the Eiffel Tower. The city sprawls in all sorts of unique directions, the roads are rarely straight and it was just so beautiful to see a city that enormous. It taught me that the world was so much bigger than I was and to not go out and see it all would be denying myself a great adventure.

I also loved The Louvre, it was so enormous that we only got to take in part of it, I want to go back one day and see the rest. I remember looking at the Mona Lisa and thinking she probably had horrible teeth so Leonardo painted her with that smile to cover them up. LOL

The one thing I could not stand in Paris was Notre Dame Cathedral. Oh, when you walk in, it feels so foreboding, it left me with the sensation that it was filled with a lot of angry dead people. I booked it out of there as fast as my little feet could have carried me. When I got outside, my Dad was right next to me and said, "Angel, did that feel creepy to you too?" I looked back at him and said, "Daddy, I don't know what all the fuss is about, the stained glass windows are beautiful and all, but you couldn't catch me dead back in there, it really creeped me out." At that point, we both laughed and sat outside people watching while my sister and mother stayed inside for a while longer.

But spending a month in Europe made me appreciate the little things, there was a small town called Rudesheim on the Rhine, and it was so quaint and peaceful. I loved that little town, it was easy to walk around and just look at the buildings and think about how old they were and how many people had walked those worn cobblestone streets before me. However, one of the coolest things I got to see was the cathedral where my parents got married in my mom's hometown. It was probably one of the most beautiful churches I've ever seen. The city itself is so sweet, and to sit with my grandmother while she drank a glass of dark beer was priceless...(my American grandmother, that I grew up seeing on a regular basis, never drank a drop of alcohol).

I can't play favorites out of all the places I've been and things I've experienced. I loved standing up the entire game at Kyle Field in College Station watching the Aggies whip the fool out of TU (the University of Texas is not the only university IN Texas. My family full of Aggies will attest to that...) I loved sitting four rows up from the ice watching the Habs put the smackdown on Boston at Centré Bell in Montreal, and I still have my bat from Bat Day at Texas Stadium in Arlington when my Dad took me to my first baseball game. I've been so many places that I love them all.

But, I've always loved the ocean best. I really loved Cancun for the view from my 12th story balcony, a full moon awash in a sea of stars while the water below glistened in the moonlight.

The one place in the world that really takes the cake is lying on my back in the middle of the main exhibit at the aquarium I used to work at. To look up and see all of those Sand Tigers, Sandbars, Stingrays, Turtles and fish swimming around above me with only the sound of my own breathing and watching the bubbles race to the surface was truly amazing. The whole reason they sent us in there was to clean the exhibit, but I often found myself trailing around behind the stingrays and "flying" behind them. It was so beautiful. I know it was only 26 feet of water, but considering that attaining neutral buoyancy is how we fly in a fluid space, the fish never bothered me, because in that moment with the ground far below me and the ceiling high above, it was pure heaven.

So, as you can see, I try not to play favorites, although the ocean will unwittingly win out every time. Each place I've been has brought a unique experience to me that I would hate to undervalue.

Not bad huh?  Well, after all that, I guess I can say:
 

No...I'm not well traveled, heavens no, considering that's about 1/10th of what I've seen in my lifetime...

Between the Digital and the Real

First, we start off with some mood music...just to get the juices flowing...

Daft Punk - End of Line


After the last couple of days surrounded by my own dismal and highly unnecessary neuroses, I decided to get back to really what makes me tick...the fact that I dig on "bio-digital jazz, man..."  If you don't know where the quote is from, it's courtesy of the first guy to make the jump from real to digital...the one and only Kevin Flynn, played by the legendary Jeff Bridges in Tron and Tron: Legacy.

Y'all know me, I dig so hard into the virtual space that sometimes it's hard to figure out where I stop and my connection to the digital begins. After writing this:

While MMOWs are not technically “games”, the genre in which they reside gives rise to the arts and the user’s participation with higher art forms.  Artistic inspiration is found in the creation and artistic texturing of a building on a digital landscape to the artistry in a unique piece of clothing or a vehicle used by an avatar, even down to the terrain the avatar walks on and the sounds and/or music that permeates the real-time simulation, the genre gives audiences an opportunity to experience the arts that, in some societies and socio-economic strata, have been lost over time.  

I know, right?  I love that paragraph, and that's what I do, I create bio-digital jazz in which I tell people about the wonders of the virtual space and what a person can do within it.  Sorry guys, but that really gets me going.

Think about it, my formative years, after sitting in that darkened movie theater when I was 11 seeing Tron for the first time, were spent trying to get into the machine.  I dreamed night after night of getting hit by that crazy laser in the Encom building and being pulled into the machine, now look at what I do, I'm still a Kevin Flynn disciple, bringing the wonders of the grid to the world.

You should have seen what I've seen in the last six weeks, something that bends the mind to places where you go, "Whoa man..."  It's some SERIOUS bio-digital jazz.  I really do love what I do and after spending nearly three weeks writing on the subject, I'm having a hard time trying to differentiate between why the real world is so appealing while the digital representation seems to speak more volumes to me than my boring corporeal self.

Think about it, when you're behind the controls of your avatar, you're fearless.  There's no mountain you can't climb (barring collision mesh) and if you fall, you get back up again without a scratch.  The only way your avatar suffers is by "de-resolution" because you typed in the word "delete" or just simply uninstalled the program.  On top of that, there is no being judged physically while you're in a digital space, what are they going to judge? Your pixels?  They're the same pixels everyone else has...just customized a bit differently.

So anyway, after I got done writing for work tonight, I decided to get my zen on.  I plugged in to the inspiration of why I love what I do, and what gives me the most ease when I'm down, I pressed "play" on my DVD player to immerse myself into Tron: Legacy one more time.  I swoon every time over the new suits, the new computer animation for the new light cycles and their light walls.  But it's the whole premise of being inside the machine that gets me every time.  I sat on my couch drooling over every visual aspect of the film, and as I did, it made me realize that there is maybe one man in a billion who's going to get the bio-digital jazz that's zooming around in my head and how it drives me.  

I don't know what it is, inside the digital space, I'm more comfortable, it fits like a second skin and I feel more at home and stress-free inside of it.  I speak to it, it speaks to me.  Let's face it, inside the digital space with all of my knowledge, I'm as close to "all-powerful" as I'm ever going to get.  Put me behind my druid, and I'm a nearly bullet-proof, sharp-clawed decimation machine or healing wonder, put me inside the world of Myst and I get lost at the world's coolest MENSA convention and I'm among "my people."

I started out in the digital space as an ordinary explorer, just playing a game, understanding the Myst universe for all of it's quirks and real-time tactile sensations.  Think about it, most virtual worlds don't make you turn the doorknob to open the door, do they?  No, they don't.  But there I was, opening doors, pulling levers and using my brain to actually solve the problems in front of me that when I touched something, it had impact on what was going to follow, just like in the real world.  On top of that, I was given the gift of the most beautiful photo-realistic scenery that was to everyone on the outside completely fantastical, but there I was, accepting it as normal.

I started out in virtual worlds because my real world was a colorless, snow-covered wasteland where I didn't speak the language, I didn't fit in, on top of that, I was neglected and ignored by the one person in the world that was supposed to be my partner.  But, as soon as I jacked in to my digital world, everyone spoke the same language, it was filled with new sights, sounds, colors and an infinite supply of people who knew EXACTLY what I was talking about.  It was like coming home to no home I had ever known.  People loved me not because of what I looked like, but because of who I was in spirit.  I guess you could say that my external search for acceptance had come to an end the moment I logged in to a virtual world.

Now look at me, I write poetically and convincingly about the uses of virtual worlds for people who have difficulty in the real world, so I guess I'm writing for all of the people like me who find acceptance inside the virtual space.  Who don't rely on an "interview process" as a first date, where when you meet someone inside the virtual space, you already have something in common, you don't have to wonder if they're judging your physical appearance and you just roll with the flow, conquer the obstacles, and your energy moves through your digital representation with fluid skill.

But alas, here I am caught squarely between the digital and the real.  I have to face facts that while I love my digital constructs and all the trimmings of technology, some people don't get it and I have no right whatsoever to expect them to, even however much I'd like them to.

I was asked about how I can fumble my Blackberry and how I'm all thumbs at the hand-held technology that everyone in the world can't seem to live without.  My answer at the time wasn't the best, but at least now I can express it a little more clearly, it's the fact that those small hand-held devices can't hold a candle to the digital constructs I'm used to working with.  I deal in three-dimensional constructs, not apps on a phone.  I move at a speed that is much faster and with my quad-core driving the whole thing, there's no where I can't go faster than the speed of light.  4G?  Pffft, nada compared to the processing speed of my gorgeous desktop computer and modem.  My Blackberry is a phone first and foremost that I can get and send e-mails on while I'm out in the world, I could care less about all the other fancy stuff that is carried on the hand-held wannabe computers in everyone's pockets, although mobile Skype is pretty damn cool.  A phone is a phone to me, if it can carry the signal when I'm away from home, that's all that matters to me.  I'm fancy with my technology at home, not when I'm out and have my attention focused on where it should be, the people around me.

Well, anyhow, as I get down some more to the sounds of Daft Punk and dream of having one of the new Tron suits custom made for me, I'll just quote the Master Control Program (so expertly voiced by David Warner) and say three little words...

End of Line.

Magic

Ok, so we got through last night.  After a post-mortem phone call with Nan and Carl, I sat down and found my zen spot, played a few games on the computer, pulled up a few clips from Video Games Live and found the peace that usually inhabits my world.

Yes, I'm a geek.  There's no other way to put it, but I'm probably one of the most beautiful geeks around...LOL.  I love my technology.  It's part and parcel of who I am and I think with what I know, combined with what I do, it makes for a pretty amazing human being.  So, after a few hours of self-encouragement, I was ok.

During my geekery, a few text messages went back and forth between Raj and I.  Raj is one of my best pals, so after feeling like I had fallen on my face, he was the one guy who I wanted to talk to most.  After all, he's the one who's been insisting most that I get out more, and that I needed to find something to love me back.  He's the proponent of me getting a dog, which I still won't do, but he's quite insistent that I'm very much worth  being given a lot of love.

So, at 2:30 this morning, Raj gave me a call.  I was up, I was tinkering with my work some more and sliding in a level or two of game time.  I told him everything that happened and he just politely told me, "Sher, you're doing it again, you're being too hard on yourself."  Raj and I have had the argument that I'm too hard on myself multiple times.  He insists that there is nothing in the world wrong with me, that I'm beautiful, that my self-inflicted neuroses of being fat and so forth are just quite unnecessary.  In my defense, admitting that I'm fluffy is a sign that I'm aware of my physical appearance.  Raj says that's BS, that I'm beautiful and he doesn't understand why I'm so rough on myself.  Ok, I'll admit that it's habit.  I'm so used to being told I'm not good enough that inevitably I've learned to be self-critical to the point of metaphorically cutting myself down just out of habit before someone else comes and does it for me.

I'm so broken.  LOL.  Anyhow, Raj and I spent an hour arguing back and forth, he says I didn't fail while I am insisting that I did, and what was funny is that he repeated the exact same phrase Nan and Carl told me during my post-mortem with them..."First dates are like an interview."  I sat there going, "NOW they tell me that?"  Oy veh.  I wish I would have known that before hand!  *facepalm*  Does anyone have the dating rulebook so I can study up BEFORE I attempt to fling myself off a cliff?  Ugh.  So horrible to find that out AFTER the fact.  I told Raj, "How the hell was I supposed to know that?  I just talked to him like I talk to you and KP.  He's a guy, what the hell else was I supposed to do?"  More facepalming followed.

Then, Raj and I talked about magic.  I've got one of those personalities that's got a lot of charm.  Raj calls it "my magic," because I can charm just about anyone...but last night, I felt like I had run into the one person in the universe that was immune to it.

Nan made an interesting point to me.  It doesn't matter how much magic I have, sometimes there's just nothing there.  Carl then came in and said, "Dating is like casting a net in the ocean, sometimes you're going to get something, sometimes you won't.  But the important thing is that you put in an effort."  It was sweet to hear my big brother say he was proud of me for trying.  Nan said the same thing, that she was thrilled I actually took initiative and got into the game.  They both know that I'd rather hide out than go out, so we can all collectively sigh and admit, it's a step.

Yeah, but the one thing that's really annoying me is that my magic isn't working like it used to.  I blame it on my fluffiness (I'm not going to get off of that kick until I've lost another 15 pounds, so y'all can just hush).  Ok, maybe I can't blame it on just that.  Ugh, I just need more help.  I need the dating rule book or some poor fool to take me through it step by step so maybe I won't feel like I'm perpetually landing on my face.  I'm scared of landing on my face, there I said it.  Maybe Raj is right, I expect too much from myself and yes, I can be a little too hard on myself sometimes too.  But, I'm a perfectionist.  I like everything in very particular ways.  I want some guy to look at me and be amazed with what he sees, that's not too much to ask, is it?  Maybe I'm as broken as I think I am because I'm thinking about how I used to look instead of looking in the mirror and accepting myself as I am.  But that's not entirely true.  I got ready yesterday, looked in the mirror and said, "Well, if he digs me he does, if he doesn't, he doesn't.  There's nothing I can do about how someone else feels."  It's the Ad/PR thing, I'm a BS artist for a living, but I'm just not buying into my own BS.  *facepalm*

Speaking of magic...the oddest thing is happening outside right now...as I've been writing, the clouds have been gathering and are looking pretty ominous.  It goes to show, when I'm feeling up, the sun shines, the moment I get down, it clouds up.  I'm magic, but I guess I'm just not using it right. LOL.

So here's what I'm going to do.  I'm done beating myself up about it.  I took a risk.  I think Doc Cat would be proud of me for putting myself out there and giving it a try.  So, I'm just going to get over it, smile, look around my apartment, be thrilled with what I have and just move on.  I look at it like this: it was a fresh topic to write on.  On top of that, on the self-help front, this is a valuable lesson, it is one that says, "You've got to keep being hopeful, get in there and keep trying."  The nutritional value of it is that I learned something about myself.

So, in that spirit, I'm going to give myself a big bunch of Gerbera Daisies (my favorite) and smile at the fact those simple flowers are the source of joy.

For the song of the day, let's go to a old favorite, from the album, "Ghost in the Machine," The Police, who are going to remind me that even though I may not feel it all the time, every little thing I do is magic.  I think about it like this, if I've changed as many lives as I have in a positive manner, there's no reason to think I'm not.  Or, going a step to the ludicrous, maybe he got jammed up because my magic did work, he just didn't know what to do with it... lol, oh come on, laugh, that's funny because while highly improbable, it could happen...

*faceplant*

I just walked in the door from my first date in over ten years.  First, let's put the ten years into context.  As we know, I was married to the ex for seven years, I've lived without him for two years and he was the only guy I dated in the year previous to that, so add it up, that's ten years.

Well, I met someone.  He's very handsome.  For me, I think I was batting a little high, but I figured with a bit of confidence I could bat the league.  I learned something from that tonight...

Ok, let's set it up for you.  How I met the guy will remain a little known fact, so don't ask.  But, this afternoon I called him just to say "hi" and I ended up with an invitation to drinks.  Not bad, I nearly had a conniption thinking about actually spending time with someone that good looking, but instead of falling over with a heart attack, I gathered my courage, pressed, dressed, grabbed directions to the place off of Google Maps and headed out the door.  

Now, it doesn't help that Miller's Ale House is hell and gone from my apartment.  It sits squarely in bum f'ed Egypt in comparison to my little hidey-hole in Northwest Vegas.  It takes a half an hour to get there.  Of course what do we know about me?  That no matter how hard I try to be on time, I'm a walking tardy.   I could tell straight away, driving down the road at Mach 2, that the fates had squared off against me.

The place we went to was very neat.  And, lucky for me, and what I didn't know, is that there was a huge UFC fight tonight.  Remember how we just don't go there anymore because the ex used to live and breathe that mixed martial arts stuff?  Yeah, there I was, all sorts overjoyed with having to sit squarely toe-to-toe battling bad memories of my ex while sitting next to a guy that would make even Adonis weep.  At that point I knew I was down for the count, but even so, I wasn't going to go down without a fight.

How often do I talk about eating fish?  Has it even come up in the two years we've been on this journey?  The answer is NO.  But there I sat eating fish tacos.  I have to say, they weren't bad at all.  I rather enjoyed them. However, y'all know me pretty good...I roll with the flow.  So, I sat drinking my usual Malibu Madras and happily snacked on the fish tacos.  

Ok, let's get into the guts of it and why I wanted to smack my head on my steering wheel all the way home screaming at myself, "Way to go Sheri, way to epic fail."  I came away from tonight with a handshake from Adonis, and it wasn't over my eating habits or how I did anything in particular, it was just a case of somewhere along the line things failed.  

As we can pretty much assume, Adonis doesn't smoke, so I sucked it up and lobbed a piece of Nicorette in my mouth.  I wish he knew how much that meant that I was willing to forgo a major serenity inducing cigarette to be able to sit and talk to him.  How often do I compromise on things like that?  Outside of family, I don't deliberately not smoke for ANYONE.   I was already nervous and to be honest, if someone would have walked in with a paint scraper to chisel me off the ceiling from the get-go I would have been better off.   If I would have been able to just relax, I would have done much better.  But there I was, unable to give myself the one thing I needed to get through things in a more serene manner.

So, the drinks start to flow, the fish tacos come and go, and the conversation was going ok, I guess.  I talked about my work, the use of virtual worlds, my need to get out more, you know, all the things I've been covering with y'all for the last two years.  That I was actually sitting there with a gorgeous guy was tantamount to a miracle, and there I am feeling like I'm talking too much and my neuroses took over.

In my defense, Adonis is very quiet, you know, one of those "still waters run deep" kind of guys?  Well, he took part in things, gave as good as he got, and was a real gentleman about the whole thing.  However, he didn't give me much to work with, so I honestly didn't have clue one of what to do.

Then, after sitting there for four hours, he walked me to my car.  We didn't even get all the way to it.  Half way, I got a polite handshake and an "I'll be in touch with you next week."  After I heard that, I could hear my face hitting the pavement so hard that I'm surprised I have a nose left.  It left me with the overall impression that I had epically failed, that I had batted WAY outside my league and that my fluffy butt has been doing just what it should have done today, stayed at home where it's safe.

I can walk away from today by giving myself the one consolation that has been my saving grace for a while now..."At least I was outside."

Oh gods, he was so beautiful and you could tell if you got him talking he'd be incredible.  I just wanted to break out a spoon and eat him up, but alas, I got a handshake.  As KP would say, "GG," good game.  Forgive me as I take out my contacts and go into my dresser for my Video Games Live t-shirt, then flop face down on my bed for a good, long cry.  

I'm going to take a hopeful approach to the handshake.  I'm going to listen to my inner Tae and my inner Nan and think that he was being kind, gentlemanly, and taking things slowly (which we all know I can totally use).  But I don't know, the body language just wasn't there.  My gut says "good effort, well done, just move on" while my inner romantic keeps hoping he was just being a true gentleman.  Who knows, we'll see if the phone rings.  If it does, I'll be ecstatic, if it doesn't, I won't be surprised.  But like KP and Jim have told me so many times, "Set yourself up to succeed, not to fail," so I'll remain positive and hopeful.  

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.  

*whimper*

I'm going to treat myself to the sweets in my fridge...fresh strawberries and a bit of Hershey's syrup.